Hey Girls it's Me Brent!
Okay, so his name is Charley and The Old Lady and her friends think he's adorable. I personally thought his name should have been, Hardly. As in he Hardly knows anything, can Hardly do anything right and he's a big pain in my Hardly there, derriere! To be honest, I truly do not understand what humans have for babies and puppies. Both always want something and neither can do much of anything for themselves. But more about Charley The Hardly.
The Old Lady was in a kitchen cleaning mode (and we weren't even having company over!) when she came out into the back yard with a very large butternut squash. The color was a cross between a mango tango and a burnt sienna. The large squash had been sitting on the kitchen counter for the last three weeks. I know because I had been eyeing it in hopes The Old Lady was going to make something creative like Curried Butternut Squash Soup or Butternut Squash Risotto with Chives and leave it on the counter to "cool" after baking. But who am I kidding. Anymore The Old Girl avoids cooking if at all possible. Her idea of an exotic home cooked meal is a trip to The Olive Garden with The Old Man.
As The Old Lady stepped out on to the patio she called out, in a very syrupy sweet voice, one that I haven't heard come out of her since I was but a mere pup myself, "Charley, come here Charley, look what I have for you to play with. " Well the silly little scallywag comes tearing out of the house like The Old Girl had a juicy steak bone for him instead of a dumb raw cucurbita. He circles her with his tail wagging so hard that his butt look like a hula girl. Of course The Old Lady was delighted by his behavior and bend down to give him a kiss on his mug just as Little Mr. Hardly jumps up to slather her with a big wet one on her mug. What occurred next was one of those moments in life where your just dying to say "Saw that coming", but choose to hold your tongue out of fear for your life! There was a loud smacking sound as Mr. Hardly's block head made hard contact with The Old Lady's chin. After a tense moment of silence The Old Girl let out a few profane superlatives as she dropped the squash, covered her now slightly bloodied mouth and made a bee line for the house. As the back door slammed shut behind her, I walked slowly toward the now some what bruised and battered butternut squash which was lying on it's side in front of Hardly Charley. The goofy pup was just staring dumbfounded at the squash like he could not comprehend what had just occurred.
"Well you really screwed the pooch on that one, Hardly" I stated nonchalantly. He looked up at me with a look of both confusion and fear. It was then that I noted he had evidently bit his own tongue when he and The Old Lady had knocked heads. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he cried out, "It bit me, that big orange thing bit me!" With that he tucked his stubby tail between his legs and ran for cover under the ferns by the pond. I paused looking down at the battered butternut squash and then back at the quivering ferns that were now covering Hardly. As I advanced towards the now terrified pup I realized that Hardly was actually scared of the butternut! It only took me a second to realize that this might be my opportunity to show my superior intellect and athletic abilities to the silly boy, so I barked at him to stay covered and I would protect him !
Turning toward the offending squash I advanced with a swagger that would have made John Wayne proud. My lips were curled in a snarl as I barked out threats of impending harm upon the squash. I showed the agility of a panther as I pounced upon it with jaws spread wide like a great white, I bit into the skin of the butternut ripping out a large chunk of it's succulent flesh. I swallowed the piece whole for dramatic effect.
Glancing over at the still quivering ferns I noted that Hardly had stuck his snout out between the fronds and was sniffing the air as if to try and detect the scent of the squash from it's now gaping whole . Feeling rather saucy and wanting to further impress the pup I danced around the butternut pouncing on it at every turn while barking ferociously at it in the same manner I had seen The Big Dog Doc do to a treed opossum last week. After every full turn I would bend down and take another bite out of the squash. Tossing my head to & fro, I let the juices run down my chin as I caught sight of Hardly watching me. He was now sitting very still in front of the ferns with his mouth wide open and eyes as big as saucers, staring at me in awe . Fueled by his admiration for my deft movements and tactical expertise I grabbed what was left of the butternut squash with my mouth and shook it like a rag doll. There was squash and juice flying everywhere as I flipped up the last chunk of the butternut and swallowed it whole.
I knew that I had really impressed Charley The Hardly, with my display of canine savagery, by the way he just sat there staring at me in disbelief. I began to think though that maybe I had gone too far, when a look of pure terror crossed his face, as he looked up above me as if in prayer. Turning and looking up I saw that it wasn't an angel Hardly was looking at! No it was The Old Lady standing over me. She had evidently come out of the house in the midst of my frenzy and was now standing behind me. With bits of squash and splattered butternut juice all down the front of her, The Old Girl glared at me as she held an ice pack to her lower lip.
It was at that moment that I realized that I was in a no win situation. So I did what any other American Bred dog would do. I ran! In any other incidence The Old Lady probably would have given me chase. But I do believe that she was too afraid of slipping and sliding on the remnants of the squash and all the juices to do so. So she just stood her ground and yelled at me. "Brent what did you do? Look at this mess!" She screamed this out in a very shrill nasty voice that I am sure the neighbors did not appreciate. I was very embarrassed for her, so feeling her need to be alone I hid myself well behind the bushes in the corner of the yard. I watched from my vantage point as The Old Girl swept up the bits of lifeless squash and hosed down the last traces of the juicy cucurbita.
After The Old Lady, was done she just shook her head and made little clicking sounds with her tongue, like a rabid wood pecker, as she went back into the house. It was actually rather sad as she had a look of defeat about her. The Old Girl has just never had an appreciation for any of my talents! I waited a few more minutes before exiting my hiding place to make sure that The Old Girl wasn't going to come out for another round of "What have you done now Brent!" I caught sight of Charley The Hardly, as I rounded the patio wall while heading for the water bucket. Devouring a squash can make you really thirsty! He was right where I had left him, just sitting there staring at the now very wet but very clean patio. As I came upon him he looked up at me with his big wide eyes and whispered, "You killed it! You weren't even afraid, you just killed it!"
I looked long and deep into his large innocent puppy eyes and realized that at sometime every kid, whether they be human or canine needs a hero in their life so looking him straight in the eye I said, "That's right Kid, I did kill it! But how's about you and me keep this whole incident just between the two of us. We don't want to scare any of the others. Okay?" Hardly shook his head yes as he followed me to the water bucket. I could see from the panting and his tongue hanging out that the events of the afternoon had made him quite thirsty. But when we got to the bucket instead of rushing me for the water he just stepped back and waited till I was done drinking. It's the kind of thing I do for my Mom Biscuit and The Big Dog Doc to show my respect.
After a very long drink I realized I was a bit tired from all of the hoopla so I went over and stretched out on the grass for a snooze. Soon Hardly Charley came up and laid down next to me. He was quiet for a few moments which I liked 'cause the sun was making me very sleepy. I was just starting to doze off when I heard him say in his soft puppy voice "You know, your really cool". I opened one eye and looked at him thoughtfully. "Your right Charley", I whispered "I am", and with that we both let out a long deep sigh and closed our eyes. As I drifted off, I could feel his puppy bumm against my back and heard him start to softly snore. To be honest.....I kinda liked it! It was a good twenty minutes of blissful peace before I heard the back door slam and knew it was time for me to skedaddle 'cause I knew The Old Girl would be gunning for me and I'd be darned if I was going to let her catch me snoozing!
Well Girls that's it for now. But you know, I've been thinking. I am going to call Hardly, just Charley from now on 'cause evidently he does seem to know a few things after all!
Best to you,
Brent The Boy Boxer Dog
