A “Just Brent” Service Announcement

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

TO ALL OF

"MY HEY GIRLS IT'S ME BRENT"

AND

CANINE FRIENDS!

Beware! Do not let this happen to YOU!

Unfortunately, Some Humans (The Old Lady in particular) seem to have more SENIOR moments than others! They will unthinkingly place a wooden bowl filled with a display of summer fruits on the patio table and remark, "Now this looks festive and inviting!" and then walk away.

Unsuspectingly you stroll by and think... “Hmmm grapes. Well now, I feel both festive and invited!” You quietly take the green grapes out of the bowl and then scoot yourself out to your private corner in the yard behind the rose bushes. At this point, you ingest all of the grapes noting that they are a bit chewier than first appeared and they do not have that tasty flavor you had anticipated either. In fact, they actually taste much like your favorite red ball that you cannot find because your snooty cousin Sonie has taken it hostage! (Believe me girls I will rescue "Old Red" if it is the last thing I do!) After finishing off the "chewy" grapes your stomach will begin to utter "What the heck are these green blobs?" and return all of the grapes in one lurching motion on the patio steps. Then The Old lady will come upon them, react in one of her regular over the top dramatic diva modes, and shout "BRENT! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" It is at this point that the big dog Doc walking by you will stop and whispers in your ear "Dude what were you thinking? They're plastic......and besides that, DOGS CAN'T EAT GRAPES! Real, or plastic evidently!" Laughing to himself the big dog will walk over to your Mom Biscuit, who by now is standing with her head hanging in shame, and offer her re-assuring words that it's not her fault!
Later in a moment of blind weakness and self pity you might try and re-ingest one of the now obviously "plastic" grapes you find hanging off of a thorny rose bush, only to have your belly sputter it back up and out in protest to your now obvious ignorance. Some lessons are harder to learn than others are "Hey Girls" and Canine friends.

Never the less, learn I have and now you are warned!

DOGS AND GRAPES (REAL OR PLASTIC) DO NOT MIX EVER!

Thank You for Your Attention to this Matter,

Your Friend,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Post Warning, warning: The red waxy apples aren't so good for you either and they REALLY are TASTELESS!

Just Ask Brent!

Dear Just Brent,

While I'm not one of your "girls", I am a huge fan!
First off I am an only pup. My Mom doesn't mind my being the one and only and as a pup-pup it was very cool having an open bar to myself at all times! But at six weeks she cut me off! I tried looking at her with my "sad soulful eye look” but she would just say "Don't even think about it kid!” My dear Grandma and Aunts kinda took over and would baby me, giving me lots of kisses and playing "peek a pup" with me. It was fun for awhile but at this point enough is enough! Don't get me wrong, I love my Gamma and my girlie girl Aunts. It's just now that I'm older I want to be spend more time with my way cool Uncle. I mean the guy rocks! He's got it all, good looks, attitude and respect from the ladies! He let's me hang out with him, but I can tell by the way he looks at me, he's thinking "Silly Puppy". My problem is I'm hardly a puppy anymore! I'm almost seven months old and filling out very nicely if I do say so myself!
How do I get my Mom, my Gamma, my girlie girl Aunts and my way cool Uncle to appreciate this fact?

Thanks,

Rememington

Age 7 months

AKA - Dude with a 'Tude in AZ.

Dear Dude with a 'Tude,

Getting the "Big Dog" , in your case your “way too cool Uncle”, to respect you can be a real challenge . It might surprise you but I have had some difficulties in this area myself. But here are a few ideas that have worked for me:

1. When the "Big Dog" is perusing the parameter of the property you can follow behind him at a respectful distance with a look in your eye of "I've got your back big guy”. He will like this as it supports him as the pack leader! But you must be very careful that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you get ahead of him. Because it could be very scary for you if you are the first one to confront a prowler or a snake or a neighbors new dog (even if it is a little one) and then when you run screaming like a pup-pup back into the house the "Big Dog" will snicker at you!

2. Laugh at all of the "Big Dog's" jokes whether you understand them or not. He will take this as a sign of camaraderie and think you as clever as he!

But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES ask your snooty cousin what the "Big Dog's" joke meant as she will tell everybody that you didn't "get it" and then they will all treat you like your the joke......and this will hurt your feelings really bad.

3. Always let the "Big Dog" eat first. This is a definite sign of respect and he will know you are a team member!

Do not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let the "Big Dog" catch you eating "TREAT". He will look at you with disdain in his eye and then shake his head as if to say "What rock did you crawl out from under kid ?"

Now as far as your Mom, Gamma and girlie girl Aunties, my advice is to get a new puppy!!!! A new puppy will absolutely make you look older and it will give you someone to boss around! But beware as a new puppy can be a double edged sword! The new puppy might be really cute and really soft and your Mom, Gamma, and girlie girl Aunties might like him better than you! So if you get one make sure to get an ugly one with scratchy fur!

Best to you,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Dear Just Brent,

I have recently found myself in a new home with folks I adore! I was wondering if you have any advice on how to ensure that they like me. I know that I am cute but how far can good looks really get you? I'm looking for some sound advice because I want them to really, really, really like me!

Thank You,
Gwen, THE Girl Boxer Dog
Age 5 months .
Rancho, CA

Dear Gwen,

How lucky you are to be in a home with NICE folks! Doesn't sound like you have a snooty cousin or The Old Lady bossy type of family. It is a good sign that you appreciate that early on.
As far as wanting them to really like you here is my advice:

1. Always act really happy to see them when they come in the door whether they have been gone 2 minutes or 2 days. Humans just love it when their dog acts all crazy with love when they see them. I know it is a bit humiliating at times to jump around, licking at their fingers, acting all bubbly 'cause they just walked in the door. Especially if they're return interrupts your snooze on the couch or counter surfing for a snack. But let us remember they are humans and because of that they need that dose of unconditional love on a regular bases to keep 'em going.

2. Do your business outside and not inside the house. Humans can act so lofty about their dogs excrement habits! But we are suppose to look the other way when they use the big porcelain water bowel in the bathroom to do their unmentionables. Heck, The Old Lady goes ballistic when I drink from it. Sometimes she is so hard to understand. Big bowl, with cold fresh water in it, at just the right height. What does she think it's there for?

3. Always, always play with them when ever you can. Humans need lots of exercise and a good game of fetch or chase can make all the difference in their day. Also try and walk them at least once a day pausing regularly to let them stop and smell the roses! Sometimes humans are in such a hurry, to do what I do not know, that they forget what is really important. Playing, eating and sleeping!

4. Just be yourself kid! Being cute and fun filled will make up for the few mistakes that we all make as pups. And don't forget, good looks can take you a long way, just look at me!

Best to you,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!

Send your emails to

brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com if you do not receive verification of receipt within a few days please email to Bigdane220@yahoo.com

Thanks!

Brent and the Great Escape!

(This story was written by Brent in early April of this year.)

( His proof readers are just slow!)

Hey Girls, It's me Brent!

What a day I had, let me tell you! I thought it was going to be "Curtains" for me and my mom Biscuit! It all started when I made the decision to unselfishly assist her in a very top secret project. I had noted recently that my mom Biscuit was not acting like her regular peppy self. She was becoming a bit snippy with the big dog Doc and on two occasions had very unkind words, with my snooty cousin Sonie, over nothing! My Mom was still nice to me but was refusing to play chase or to help me find "Old Red" my rubber ball and to be honest my Mom was beginning to pack on the pounds!

The Old Lady didn't seem concerned and wasn't doing anything to help! In fact she began offering my Mom mid-day snacks and plumping pillows for her at Siesta time. I was afraid that maybe The Old Lady was being so nice, because my Mom had some deadly disease ! That would explain the midnight ice cream socials that The Old Lady and my mom Biscuit were enjoying. Each night while watching reruns of "NCIS" and "Law and Order" they would share a mound of ice cream eating from the same bowl and using the same spoon! Yuck! There is nothing more disgusting than watching a human share their eating utensil with a dog! I mean REALLY! You never know where that humans mouth has been! There they are exposing that poor dog to all of their germs! I had the urge to call PETA on The Old Lady and report her for canine endangerment, but you know it's a real hassle trying to punch in a telephone number with paws. In the past when trying to order pizza for me and the gang, I mistakenly called a man in Chickaloon, Alaska. I didn't want to waste the call so I asked him if he could see Russia from his front porch and if he knew his refrigerator was running and if so he'd better catch it! I was laughing so hard I didn't hear what he said as he hung up on me, but it was obvious he didn't have much of a sense of humor

As my Mom's girth continued to grow so did my concerns for her. In desperation I asked my snooty cousin Sonie if she thought my Mom might soon be "dearly departed"? She said "No way! Anyone who can eat as much as your mom does, can't be dying! She's just F-A-T!" While some of her words rang true and were somewhat comforting, I still wanted to smack her on the snout for calling my Mom fat! She could have used nicer words like "well padded", "pudgy", or "plumped up". But no, not my snooty cousin Sonie. She went straight for the F-word and said it in a very snide tone. I reminded her in no uncertain terms that my Mom had once been a show girl. A "queen of the ring" and had done very well in her day. My snooty cousin Sonie only giggled and said "Yeah but look at her now, dude!”

"It's a sad day in the neighborhood" she whispered as she sashayed her firm tapered show girl figure in front of my Mom. To be honest though, my Mom Biscuit didn't seem to care. She just let out a big sigh, threw herself on the warm pavement and then turned over to sun her, now well endowed, chest area. I knew in that instant that something had to be done to help my mom Biscuit and that I was the one to do it.

The opportunity to do so came the very next day. In the early afternoon I found my Mom well hidden behind the large thyme bush in the rock garden. "Whatcha up to mom?" I asked casually "Quite! Keep your voice down. They might hear us!" she said in an irritated hushed tone.
Wondering who they might be I glanced around the rock garden but only noted a line of black ants marching along the wall. Now I find ants as fascinating as the next dog and at times a rather tasty snack. But I had never found them to be a security threat. Had garden espionage been occurring right under my nose? Of course my first instinct was to sniff at them. But having made that mistake last summer with a red ant I fought the urge.

Turning to my Mom I asked, "The a-n-t-s?" I spelled the word ants out in case they were listening! She turned her head slowly toward me with a look of disbelief in her eyes. "No, not the ants you goose! Over there." She pointed with her nose toward the house where The Old Lady and The Old Man were cleaning windows "I don't want them to know what I'm doing."
My Mom, not wanting The Old lady or The Old Man to know what she's doing? I was suddenly both excited and intrigued to say the least . "What is it that you are doing mom? "I whispered in her ear. "This!" she said in a very sleuthy voice, as she stepped away from the base of the thyme bush to reveal a very large hole.

It was the tingling in my paws that first made me realize that I was hyper ventilating. The site of such a magnificently large hole dug by my mother was more than a bit overwhelming. "You did all this?" I asked with a gush of pride.

"Yes and I'm not done yet. There is so much more digging to do and so little time." More digging to do and so little time. This could mean only one thing! My mom was planning an escape! Finally I was going to be free of my snooty cousin Sonie and The Old Lady's oppression!

When at last The Old Man and The Old Lady went back into the house my mom gave the order to "DIG!" And dig we did! Deeper and wider and wider and deeper we dug. As the hole grew the roots of the thyme bush were soon unearthed and a large branch of the bush started to lean into the hole.

"Brent, get that branch out of the way" my Mom called out to me from down in the hole. As I tore the branch away I took a step back and realized just how deep our hole was. "Gee Mom, where are we digging to China?" I asked half joking and half in fear of being mistaken for a delicacy at the other end of the hole.

As I was pulling the branch away from the hole I noticed The Old Lady standing behind the bush. My mom and I had been so busy with the digging that we hadn't heard her come up behind us. The Old Girl took the branch from my mouth and said "No Brent!" My Mom, now oblivious to her surroundings, continued digging at a feverish pace. I was trying to think up some brilliant excuse for the excavation when The Old Lady leaned over the now very, very deep hole and said quietly, "Come on Biscuit, that's enough. " The digging stopped and there was a moment of silence as my Mom realized that her digging plans were now squashed.

Because of the depth of the hole and my Mom's larger than normal girth The Old Girl had to grab on to my mom's tail to help hoist her out. Safely back upright on four legs and covered from head to paws in dirt my mom looked very tired and rather sad.

"It's okay Biscuit" The Old Lady said gently, "Let's get you inside for a bath." And with that the two of them went quietly into the house. There was no screaming from The Old lady, no threats of punishment, no time out in my jail/crate. Just quiet……

Oh my gosh! This could mean only one thing. My mom was dying! Walking over toward the fence I started to cry. As the hot tears rolled down my cheeks Benny the Beagle, who lived next door strutted over to the fence. "Gee, what's wrong with you kid" he asked

"It's my mom" I blubbered "she's dying."

"Your mom?" Benny the Beagle questioned "She looks fine to me."

I then proceeded to tell him about her sudden weight gain (avoiding the F-word) and how nice The Old Lady was treating her and then about our digging an escape tunnel.
It was at this point that Benny the Beagle started laughing. "Your such a melon head!" he chortled." Your mom's not fat or dying. She's just pregnant and by the looks of it ready to pop any day now!"

Not knowing what pregnant meant I just stared at him, feeling sadder and sadder 'cause my mom Biscuit is the best mom in the world and I wouldn't know what to do without her.

"She's going to have puppies. Your going to have new brothers and sisters. Your mom wasn't digging an escape tunnel, you noodle, it's hormonal she was nesting! Geezers Brent, what a numb nut you are!" and with that Benny turned and strutted back, on his short Beagle legs, to his dog house.

Hallelujah! My mom didn't have a deadly! I turned away from the fence and was beginning to feel that all might be right with the world again when I heard the back door slam and The Old Lady screeching my name. Darn that woman and her elephant like memory!
But I wasn't too upset 'cause what's a little or maybe a whole lot of time out in my jail/crate? My mom Biscuit wasn't dying! She was just pregnant and according to Benny, "Ready to pop any day now!" It was a GOOD day in the neighborhood after all!

So Girls it looks like I'm to be a brother again!

Best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer Dog