"Just Ask Brent"

Dear Just Brent,

I enjoy reading your column and I hope you will be able to help me but I'm not sure if you can. You see, I am a cat with a big cat problem! My owner is an actor who recently moved in with his girlfriend and took both me and my brother Stewy with him . Now we all live in a very nice condo. As you might know cats love condos. There are stairs to run up and down on and lots of fun places to hide.

The girlfriend is very pretty and seems to like me and Stewy. Our problem is that she is insisting that our litter box must go and we must learn to use the toilet! Our toilet training has been going on for about a month now and I am comfortable with the whole thing. Unfortunately my brother Stewy is not! He prefers to use the big human wash tub in the bathroom which really upsets the pretty girlfriend. Stewy says that jumping up on a bowl of water is just too scary, 'cause once something falls into that bowl it is flushed away never to be seen again!

The pretty girlfriend, who is also an actor, is out of town on tour right now. She will be gone for 2 months and when she comes back the litter box is to be gone and Stewy and I must be toilet trained or else! I'm really worried about my brother Stewy as he continues to have a fear of being flushed away! What are we to do?

Sincerely,
Bobby Boy Cat, age 8 years

Dear BBC,

Wow! I didn't even know that cats could read much less write! Excuse my ignorance as we do not have a house cat where I live. The Old Lady says it's much too dangerous as the big dog Doc has an "unfortunate history" of playing too rough with neighborhood stray cats. Your litter box problem though is not an uncommon one according to my neighbor Benny the Beagle. At his house they have 2 indoor cats. His cats use a litter box which according to Benny can be a delightful snack bar at times but also an odorous disaster at others.

Benny was very intrigued that your humans are trying to "toilet train" you. I myself continue to wonder why it is that humans want to use the big porcelain drinking bowel to do their "duty" in, when there are plenty of trees outside! But as as an investigative journalist I must put aside my own prejudices in order to assist my readers! Benny filled me in on a few of the peculiarities that you felines share, as he is an authority having 2 of you at home.

- Cats are very moody and like to act snooty like my cousin Sonie. (Benny says he is pretty sure that they think they are better than dogs, if you can believe that!)

- Cats like to chase stuff, like birds and lizards and crickets and small rodents. (Well who the heck doesn't?)

- Cats like to play in paper bags and bat around pieces of paper, feathers and dust bunnies.
(This sounds dumb and I think that Benny is just pulling my paw.)

- Cats like to sleep, during the day, undisturbed for hours on the bed or a soft chair and when they wake up they like to jump up on the kitchen counter and look for left overs. (I guess they are not so dumb after all!)

- Cats will scratch your nose and hiss at you if you tell them that they have bad breath. (Unfortunately, I personally know this one to be true!)

Now that I have this list, I feel like an authority on cats!

So here is my feline advice to you !

1. Give Stewy lots of encouragement when he tries to jump up on the toilet. Say things like "You can do it Big Guy!" and "Way to go Stewmister". These cool nicknames will help build his confidence and make him want to try harder!

2. If he is successful while on the pot, give him a reward like a small toy or a grass hopper. Tell him "Well done, Stewsters" But refrain from patting him on the back when he is poised on the toilet seat as you might knock him in.

3. If he is overcome with fear and is refusing to jump up on the toilet, try to reason with him and in a calm voice say "Stewy your a cat, you have nine lives. If you fall in and get flushed you still have eight left!"

4. If all else fails get a dog! Benny swears that most dogs like "cat treat". Some dogs have even been heard to say it's better than candy or truffles!

I hope my advice will help you "cats" out. An actor who makes enough money to feed you ,with a pretty girlfriend and a new condo sounds like a fine life to me!

Best to you,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Dear Readers,

I need your assistance!

Please if you are reading this, take a moment and write in with a question.

I am here to help! But I need to know your needs in order to do so!

Thanks,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Need some advice on life? " Just Ask Brent"

email your questions to Brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com

or Bigdane220@yahoo.com

"Just Ask Brent"

Dear Just Brent,

My dog Charlie loves to eat whatever food he can find on the kitchen counter tops. Banana bread, a half made peanut butter sandwich, left over take out, cookie dough, fruit, jello, anything that is mistakenly left out on the counter gets munched by our Charlie!
Can you please advise, as sometimes he gets to our dinner fix-ings before we do!
Thank You,
Sharon (owner of) "Good Time Charlie" standard poodle age 3 1/2 years.

Dear Good Time Charlie's owner/significant human,
What your boy Charlie is doing here is the classic "Humane dietary intervention maneuver". As a responsible member of the family we canines often find it necessary to intervene when we take notice of possible weight gain occurring in our humans. When ever I see that The Old Lady's posterior is expanding, I make a mental note to start a daily caloric count for her. Then when I see she is over her ideal total caloric intake for the day I remove those extra unbecoming calories from her reach by selflessly digesting them before she can get to them. My sister Lolli, had to take out a whole lemon meringue pie one time to protect her family from caloric overload! I must admit though that I am both surprised and impressed, that your boy Charlie is willing to eat a P&J sandwich for you! As I know from Bridget the Poodle who lives across the street, Poodles have a very sophisticated palate and let's face it peanut butter and jelly is on the low end of the culinary scale. You are a lucky woman Sharon. Your boy Charlie is a keeper by golly!

Here is my advice to you:

1. Eat out more often! You deserve it! But when you are eating out, only consume 1/2 of your meal. Then put the left overs in a container/doggie bag and bring them home. At midnight when you think "hmmmm, that left over Chicken Alfredo would taste pretty good right now" get up and take the left overs out of the fridge, placing them on the counter. At this point call Charlie into the kitchen saying "Hey Charlie, do you think I should finish off those delicious left overs?" Do a 180 degree turn allowing Charlie to get a true front and back profile of you in your jamming jammies/PJ's. At this point your intuitive canine will know if you are in any position to finish off that delightful mix of flavors which have now reached their climatic high point in that styrofoam box or if he needs to intervene.

2. Put those caloric starved dog biscuits on the counter with in your easy reach. They are not only packed full of nutrition but they are also appetite suppressing and tasteless as you can ask any dog! We only eat them to make our humans feel better about themselves and their snack selection capabilities but most any of us would be willing to share them with our humans on any given day. So when the craving hits you to munch out, simply take those caloric filled delicacies out of your refrigerator and put them up on the counter within Charlie's reach and then you dive into those dog biscuits! Go ahead and eat em'up, Charlie won't mind a bit!

3. Do not try any of those home remedies for "counter surfing" (which in it's self is a despicable term)! Mouse traps, sticky tape, and alarms on the counter top end up being an embarrassment for both the dog and their humans. Just try to embrace the fact that your dog is willing to eat just about anything for the benefit of your well being!


Remember Dear Readers, your dog is there not only as your friend but as your protector. As small pups we are instructed by our mothers on the need to protect our human family from the evils that lurk at the borders of our property line and to assist them in the "battle of the bulge".

I can not tell you how many times I have witnessed The Old Lady struggling to get into a pair of summer carpi's and heard my Mom Biscuit's voice in my head saying "Ingest and protect that is our canine duty!" At which point I hurry myself downstairs and check out the counter for any offensive caloric culprits! Does The Old Lady ever appreciate my protective actions? Heck no!
I usually end up in a time out in my crate/jail. But I do it with a spring in my step and a song in my heart for I know I have done my canine duty!

My best to you,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Need some advice on life? "Just Ask Brent "
emails questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com

Brent and the Pin Cushion

Hey Girls, It's Me Brent!

Okay, so what fun loving, slightly masochistic human decided to camouflage a pin cushion as an edible piece of fruit? (and yes tomatoes are a fruit). I mean really how do you expect man's best friend to know the difference?

Actually, I blame The Old Lady for the whole mess. She is the one who purchased said "pin cushion" and she's the one who chose to fill it full of straight pins. And she is also the one who left it in the middle of the dining room table in plain view when one is standing up right on their hind legs looking for a possible snack.

Of course I thought I had made the discovery of the century when I first started munching on it. I found it to have a mild tangy flavor with an earthy/saw dusty after taste which I quite enjoyed. It was the sharpness of the munch that I found distracting. After a few bites I realized that this rare fruit appeared to have thorns that were really sharp! As I spit out the remains of the disagreeable herbaceous, The Old Lady spied me from the kitchen and screeched out a few profanities as she approached me.

"Oh no Brent! What have you done?" she said this in a low foreboding tone when she reached me. Once again I questioned The Old Girl's vision. Wasn't it obvious that I was trying to have a nutritional snack only to discover that it was a fraudulent fruit and too painful to fully ingest? Without so much as a polite "Do you mind if I dislocate your jaw?" The Old Lady bent down grabbed my mug and pried it opened. After a quick visual she stood up and announced, "Well you've done it once again Brent!" At this point I wasn't quite sure what it was that I had done again. But I was pretty sure it wasn't pleasing to The Old Lady, 'cause if looks could kill, I'd be extinct right now!

Fifteen minutes later when we pulled up in front of The Old Man's Veterinarian Hospital I knew I was in deep doo! After The Old Girl explained my current situation to The Old Man, I was handed over to Sherrie who takes the X-Rays. I've always liked Sherrie she smells like vanilla and likes to give me cookies when I visit the office and calls me her "cutie boy".
After I was X-Rayed from head to toe (at The Old Lady's insistence)I was allowed to roam around the back room. I am allowed to do this when I visit as I have been deemed not to be a threat to most anything. I was enjoying the cookie that Sherrie had given me when I noticed that a door to an exam room had been left slightly ajar. I immediately went into my P.I. mode
(and yes, I do enjoy re-runs of Magnum P.I. late at night with my Mom Biscuit and The Old Lady).

As I stuck my snout into sniff the air, I noticed an older woman standing next to the exam table. Since my canine vision isn't the best, I thought it might be The Old Girl for a moment. But then I noticed that she was very fashionably dressed so I knew it couldn't be The Old Lady!
The woman was being very gentle as she quietly stroked the dog who was stretched out on the exam table. The dog appeared to be a brindle Boxer like me, except his mug was very grey and he didn't look like he wanted to play. He just laid there, very still with his eyes closed, as the woman bent down and whispered in his ear. I couldn't hear all of her words but I did hear, "love you", "friend" and "always". As the woman stood up she noticed me in the doorway. "Hello boy" she said softly.

Well being me I took this as an invitation to come on in, which of course I did. She smiled at me and patted me on the head. As I looked up into her face I saw that her eyes were watering so I licked her hand to let her know that "it was going to be okay". We just stood there for a moment when I heard Sherrie calling for me. The woman smiled again and said "You'd better go boy, they're looking for you." I wagged my tail good-bye and went off to find Sherrie and possibly another cookie.

When I found Sherrie she was standing with The Old Lady and The Old Man looking over my X-Rays. "Well he's pin free" The Old man announced. The Old Lady gave a sigh of relief and after thanking everyone she unceremoniously dragged me off to the car.
As I was being secured into my harness/seat belt I saw the older woman getting into a car.
She did not have her dog with her and her face looked very sad. I barked to her and when she saw me she smiled at me in recognition. I tried to say more, but The Old Lady told me to "Stop barking!" So I just smiled at the woman as we drove away.

Now I know some people don't believe that dogs can smile. The Old Man says it's just silly to think that a dog who has their mouth opened, with their jowls pulled up in a grin like position, is doing anything more than panting . But just like The Old Lady, The Old Man is only human and thus misses out on a lot of the canine subtleties in life. It's true you do have to look very carefully and be a bit open minded to see it. But we dogs do have a sense of humor and we can often be found having a good chortle over something some silly human has done. We honestly can't help ourselves as humans are a very funny species. We just try not to be rude about it!

When The Old Lady and I arrived back home, The Old Girl decided I needed to be in a time out for my transgressions. So I was put into my crate/jail. I really didn't mind though as I was quite tired and a snooze sounded pretty good to me. The other dogs were already napping except for my Mom Biscuit and the big dog Doc .

"Well kid", the big dog Doc asked after The Old Lady left the room, "What did they find?" I was a bit flustered at his asking about my health as he doesn't usually say much to me, unless it's to tell me not to be doing something that's bugging him. I told him about my X-rays and how I had been deemed "Pin free" by The Old Man.
The big dog chuckled to himself as he turned over and whispered under his breath "Diagnosis D.D. huh kid?"

I was about to ask my Mom Biscuit, what he was talking about when I remembered the fashionably dressed older woman at The Old Man's office and her grey muzzled Boxer dog.
I asked my Mom what she thought was wrong with the him and why he laid there so quietly.
My Mom took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. She turned toward me and her voice got real low as she began to tell me about the special bargain that is made between a human and their dog. She told me, it's usually decided upon early on in their relationship and is re affirmed as their relationship grows and the dog matures.
"You see Brentenious, (that's her nickname for me when she talks to me about important dog stuff) as dogs we are expected to offer unconditional love to our humans. We are to be there for them no matter what and show our devotion to them when they need us the most. In return we expect them to be there for us at the end of our canine years when we need them the most. It is at this time, that our humans are able to show how much they appreciate and love us through taking our pain away and allowing us to go forward without them. It is a great honor to be in the presence of a grey muzzled dog Brentenious and you must always show your respect for one when you see them.

"But why was the woman so sad and where was the grey muzzled dog going to without her?" I asked.
"I'm not sure where we go to after we leave our humans and I'm not sure that we need to know. What I do know is that taking someones pain away is a wonderful gift. Not that I need or want that gift right now. But it does give me a sense of peace to know it will be there for me when I need it." With that my Mom Biscuit stretched out and closed her eyes and then continued. "As far as the woman being sad Brentenious, that just means that the grey muzzled dog was a very special dog. She was a lucky lady to have had such a dog and she knew it!"

After a few moments I whispered, "Mom are you asleep?"
"No, but I'm trying to be Brent" she answered.
"Mom, what does "diagnosis D.D." mean?" I asked her.
"It means, diagnosis dumb dog." There was a moment of silence and then she added, "Don't let Doc fool you Brent. He knows the term because that's what they called him at the vet's office after he ate his second tomato pin cushion as a young dog."

With that the big dog Doc stood up in his crate/jail and stated crossly to my Mom, "You just had to tell him, didn't you Biscuit?"
"Oh Doc, where's your sense of D.D. humor?" she asked him and then started laughing.
Man oh man my Mom is so funny and there is no better sound than that of my Moms laughter at the end of a very long and sticky day! She definitely has a sharp sense of humor!

Well keep smiling ladies and do put those pin cushions where your canine friends CAN"T FIND THEM!

Best to you,
Brent the boy Boxer Dog