I'm hoping you can help me and in doing so help canines everywhere. My problem is I do not like it when my humans insist on giving me a bath once a week! Between the soap in my eyes and the blow dryer up my bum I feel totally violated! It is so unnecessary as I consider myself a very hygienic individual. It's not like I'm working up a sweat lying around in the yard all day. Since I'm not a digger, I'm not exposed to much dirt or mud. Unlike yourself I am not a "Treat" partaker, so for the most part, my breath is doggy fresh. I even take extra care to make sure that my personals are clean on a regular basis. Although, to be honest, this particular hygienic maneuver is not always appreciated by my humans. The point is Mr. Brent, I am trying my best to stay clean and now I'm having nightmares every Friday night 'cause I know what my humans have in store for me come Saturday morning!
Please Help!
Sincerely,
Taylor, boy Schnauzer, age 3 years.
Dear Mr. Taylor,
Jeepers! Your folks bathe you on a weekly basis? I thought I had it bad with The Old Lady dousing me with a cold garden hose every couple of weeks and then wiping me down with a Wet Wipe in between. But I do feel your pain Mr. Taylor as I myself am very anti bathing. I too find it an unnecessary human ritual. What form of pleasure humans derive from soaking a dog in any aqueous solution is beyond me! Of course, unless you've been skunked and then I would consider it a necessary medicinal procedure. But I am just one dog so I decided to inquire, of my fellow canines, their feelings on the subject.
First off I asked Benny the Beagle, who lives next door, about his feelings on canine sudsing. He said he had not had a bath since he was but a mere pup. How could that be I wondered, as Benny always has a fresh Egyptian Musk with a slight hint of Vanilla fragrance about him. "No", he continued "I like to take a shower with my man human once or twice a week." As I tried not to envision Benny in the shower with a naked Mr. Burly (his man human) Benny added that he likes the feel of the warm water flowing on his back after a long night of patrolling the backyard looking for possible intruders. (Benny likes to consider himself quite the guard dog!) After an uncomfortable silence (what does one say after such a revelation as Benny's?) I bid Benny a good day and went in search of Moose the Bloodhound who lives around the corner.
I found Moose snoozing on his front porch. After I barked out his name a few times he finally woke up. When I explained my quest to Moose he motioned for me to follow him around to the back where his humans wouldn't hear us. Moose then explained to me that he never bathes. His humans think that it will have a negative effect on his ability to follow a scent when they are out hunting. Moose then told me that a bath probably wouldn't make any difference to his snout but who was he to question a good thing. "Of course" he added "if I were ever skunked, I would take a bath as I would consider it a medicinal necessity." That Moose is one smart dog! He also told me he occasionally enjoys running in the sprinklers with his little humans and swimming in the neighbors pool when they're not home. Moose said "That's plenty of wetness for one dog!" I share his view on this subject!
My last inquiry was of Bridget the Poodle who lives across the street. Bridget always smells of Lavender or Jean Nate. She stated that she is groomed every two weeks by Diana her canine barber at Le Salon. Bridget said "I like the pampering I receive there. Diana is a whiz with the scissors and I always come out looking quite smart if I do say so myself!" I had to agree with Bridget as she always looks very stylish . "But what I like best" Bridget added softly, "Is when my human girl Sophie, plays dog groomer and freshens me up with her Grandmother's Jean Nate after bath splash, in between visits to Le Salon." Darned if that Bridget isn't one lucky canine! I wish I had a girl like Sophie. All I have is The Old Lady whose idea idea of freshening me up before company comes over to visit, is to chase me around the house with a can of Yucky Oder Be Gone!
So my dear Mr. Taylor this is my advice to you:
1. On Friday nights encourage your humans to order out for pizza! While your folks are munching away on their crunchy Italian pie make sure that they are also enjoying a glass or two or three of a California Petite Sirah. This is a delightful wine with a spicy, plummy flavour that will pair well with the pizza. Also, with an alcoholic content of 16% plus, if your humans consume enough of it, they will not care about you or your bathing needs the next morning. So I say Salute!
2.If you are one who enjoys the therapeutic benefits of canine aroma therapy AKA a good roll in a putrid area of the yard, you must put a stop to this time honored activity. Although as a dog I can attest to the benefits of this tradition, most humans haven't a clue why we do it. As you are well aware we, who have a intense sense of olfacation, may find the fragrance of a sun dried earth worm to be not only pleasant but quite stimulating. Humans on the other hand with their limited olfactory receptors perceive the odor in a negative connotation. Often after I have enjoyed a good roll, The Old Lady will respond with a rude comment such as, "You stink!" and go for the garden hose! On the other hand when she loads up on her Old Lady cologne, sprays, or lotions she thinks she smells great! Little does she know that it totally overwhelms my sensitive canine snout and leaves me in a nasal haze for hours. And don't get me started on those scented candles which are suppose to make the house smell like she's been baking all day instead of on the phone! Humans just don't seem to have an appreciation of a good earthy fragrance so I say, "Put a hold on the Roll!"
3. Although it might be tempting. DO NOT EAT THE SOAP! Yes it can be very tasty going down and yes being able to burp up bubbles and blow them out your snout is very impressive and yes it will even delay them giving you a bath. BUT IT IS NOT WORTH IT! Believe you me, as tasty as those fragrant spheres of suds are going down they are one vicious, never ending pop coming out the other end! Which if you are locked in your crate/jail and The Old Lady doesn't believe you when you bark that you need to go out again, can be disastrous!
In conclusion....if all else fails Mr. Taylor, do the Oh so sorry did I get you wet? Shake! I prefer to do it when The Old Girl is right up against me with the hose. I do a fast 90 degree right turn which knocks the hose from her hand and soaks her shoes. As she bends down to pick it up I move in closer and shake myself for all I'm worth! Although the Oh so sorry did I get you wet? Shake!, does not stop them from bathing you, it does give you a canine moment of sheer delight! There is nothing more inspiring than to see a human screaming about how cold the water is as they wipe the soap bubbles from their face!
My best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer Dog
Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!
email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com
2.If you are one who enjoys the therapeutic benefits of canine aroma therapy AKA a good roll in a putrid area of the yard, you must put a stop to this time honored activity. Although as a dog I can attest to the benefits of this tradition, most humans haven't a clue why we do it. As you are well aware we, who have a intense sense of olfacation, may find the fragrance of a sun dried earth worm to be not only pleasant but quite stimulating. Humans on the other hand with their limited olfactory receptors perceive the odor in a negative connotation. Often after I have enjoyed a good roll, The Old Lady will respond with a rude comment such as, "You stink!" and go for the garden hose! On the other hand when she loads up on her Old Lady cologne, sprays, or lotions she thinks she smells great! Little does she know that it totally overwhelms my sensitive canine snout and leaves me in a nasal haze for hours. And don't get me started on those scented candles which are suppose to make the house smell like she's been baking all day instead of on the phone! Humans just don't seem to have an appreciation of a good earthy fragrance so I say, "Put a hold on the Roll!"
3. Although it might be tempting. DO NOT EAT THE SOAP! Yes it can be very tasty going down and yes being able to burp up bubbles and blow them out your snout is very impressive and yes it will even delay them giving you a bath. BUT IT IS NOT WORTH IT! Believe you me, as tasty as those fragrant spheres of suds are going down they are one vicious, never ending pop coming out the other end! Which if you are locked in your crate/jail and The Old Lady doesn't believe you when you bark that you need to go out again, can be disastrous!
In conclusion....if all else fails Mr. Taylor, do the Oh so sorry did I get you wet? Shake! I prefer to do it when The Old Girl is right up against me with the hose. I do a fast 90 degree right turn which knocks the hose from her hand and soaks her shoes. As she bends down to pick it up I move in closer and shake myself for all I'm worth! Although the Oh so sorry did I get you wet? Shake!, does not stop them from bathing you, it does give you a canine moment of sheer delight! There is nothing more inspiring than to see a human screaming about how cold the water is as they wipe the soap bubbles from their face!
My best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer Dog
Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!
email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com
