Okay so even if it wasn't The Old Lady's idea, I still blame her!
What was she thinking or obviously not! But let us start at the beginning where all bad ideas start! The Old Lady's son, The Actor, was visiting her one day. She is always very pleased to see him and gushes all over him, like a fire hydrant in Brooklyn on a hot summers day. She had fed him and pampered him and listened to all of his stories about his escapades as a struggling actor when he started to whine about how lonely he was. He told The Old Girl that with his girlfriend out on tour, he was all alone in his apartment. The Old Girl was being very sympathetic to his plight when he suddenly spied me sitting quietly in the corner, looking quite regal if I do say so myself, on a large fluffy dog pillow. "I do believe if I had a dog for company I would not be half as lonely." The Actor said this with a tear in his voice that was so well executed that even I felt sorry for him. The Old Lady sat up in her chair with a look of disbelief on her face. "You're not asking for one of my dogs are you?" she asked.
"Well of course not The Biscuit or The D.O.C. I was thinking maybe you might let Brent come and stay with me for awhile." The Actor's tone was reminiscent of an eight year old boy pining for a puppy in a pet store window. But The Old Lady was not so easily moved. "I don't know if that would be such a good idea," she replied. "Brent likes being here with his Mom Biscuit. He is a bit of a Mama's boy if you know what I mean." (Okay, so even though it's true, she didn't have to say it out loud!)
"Oh, he'll be fine with me. I'll take real good care of him." Even though The Actor's words sounded sincere The Old Lady still looked skeptical. "Pleeeeassse," The Actor moaned, "I hate being alone!" I could tell by the softening of the wrinkles around her mouth that The Old Girl might give in. Then The Actor sealed my fate by jumping up, throwing his arms around The Old Lady and whispering in her ear "Oh Suzie Q, please can't Brent come and stay with me for awhile?"
As they were packing me into The Actors 2009 silver Mustang with the V8 engine, 300 horse under the hood and 18 inch chrome wheels, I decided maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
I had always fancied myself a performance sort of dog and now I finally had the appropriate ride to reflect my personal style! The Old Lady was going over my diet, when she again reminded The Actor that "Brent needs to go out first thing in the morning, and you must never, ever yell at him." (Well obviously The Old Girl learned her lesson after the Grey furry Slipper incident.) The Actor nodded his head yes and mumbled something about "Why would I ever yell at him?" The Old Girl gave The Actor a kiss on the cheek, told him to call her if there was any problem and then waved good-bye. I suddenly felt rather free. Of course I would miss my Mom Biscuit.....but alas a weekend without The Old Lady!
We arrived at The Actors apartment without incident. He immediately let me out of his car and led me onto the "Apartment" all 650 square feet of it! Wowziers! And I thought my crate/jail was small! The Actor went out of his way to make me feel welcomed.....at first. After showing me around the apartment he offered me a bowl of water and then took me for a short walk around the block. I had never been in the "Big City" before and to be honest I found my new surroundings a bit intimidating at first. There were lots of cars, lots of people and lots of noise!
The Actor allowed me to sleep in bed with him the first night and the next day we just hung out at "The Pad". A few actor friends came over in the afternoon to go over a script they were working on. The Guys were all really nice to me and said how cool they thought I was. At last I was finally being appreciated! That night The Actor set his alarm for 6:30 in the morning. He told me he had an audition for a musical in the morning and wanted to get up early to exercise his voice before singing in front of the director. I didn't mind us turning in early as I was actually rather tired after a full day of hanging out at "The Pad".
It was the loud but rather clever use of profanity that awakened me the next morning. What I could glean from all of the swearing and dramatic gasps and groans was that we had over slept! The Actor jumped out of bed, grabbed my collar and shoved me into my crate/jail. "Your going to have to wait until I get dressed before I can take you out!" I stood there dumbfounded as I watched him dress and then trot off to the loo . Had not The Old Lady told/warned him that I needed to go out FIRST thing in the morning? It was the flush of the toilet that sent me over the edge. I could hold out no longer! I was in full stream in the middle of my crate, when The Actor finally returned to the room. He let out a scream that any horror flick diva would be proud of. Then he asked in a hoarse whisper, "What are you doing?" I was pretty sure he knew what I was doing as he had just done the same thing himself!
But it was his next response that was even a surprise to me! "Well then I guess your going to have to wait on your breakfast until I come back because now I have to clean up this mess!" He uttered these words in the most acidic of tones and with a nasty look on his face that was very reminiscent of The Old lady." I was trying to explain to him that The Old Girl had warned him that once I'm up I'm READY to go! But all he did was yell at me to "Stop barking".
After a slew of more profanities and dramatic sighs The Actor cleaned out my crate/jail and then got himself ready for his audition. He quickly left the apartment in a huff, leaving me alone without even turning on the TV or the radio for company! I was soon feeling very sad and missing my Mom Biscuit. I knew that my Mom Biscuit would be very upset if she found out how I was being treated! I curled up on the tea towel that The Actor had thrown in to my crate after Pinesol-ing the inside. I awoke hours later to the slam of the front door. From the actors attitude and continued use of profanities under his breath I gathered that the audition had not gone well. I stood up in my crate/jail and stretched realizing just how hungry I had become. I called out to The Actor, but he just ignored me. Now this was not going to do! Even The Old Lady would not be pleased with how The Actor was treating me. I was just about ready to resort to howling when The Actor came and let me out. I followed him into the kitchen where a large deli sandwich and a cold beverage in a brown bottle set on the table. Well now that was better! The Actor obviously regretting his earlier transgressions had bought me lunch!
I was making a bee line for the spread on the table when The Actor cut me off by sitting down in chair in front of the eats. It was with his first bite, of the peppered turkey with provolone on a poppy seed Kaiser roll, that I realized this lunch was not for me! This guy was, not only, not going to feed me, but he was going to eat his lunch in front of me! The Actor had a smear of mustard on his chin as he said with a mouth full of provolone and turkey. "Don't worry Dude, I'll feed you as soon as I'm done here." Don't worry Dude? Okay so first he makes me pee in my crate/jail, then he withholds my morning nourishment, next he leaves me alone for hours without any form of entertainment and now he's forgotten that my name is Brent? Oh no, this just wasn't going to work out in oh so many ways! As The Actor got up from the table to get a napkin from the counter I noticed that the kitchen door next the table was slightly opened (evidently to let out the odors of a morning gone bad) and that with The Actor over at the sink there was nothing standing between me and freedom except for a peppered turkey with provolone on a poppy seed kaiser bun! I glanced up at The Actor who was wiping the mustard from his mug. He was ignoring me for the moment so I knew I would have to make my move now! I skirted around the table with the agility of a cat. I was to the back door before The Actor knew what was happening. I glanced over my shoulder as I heard him utter "Oh F-U-D-G-E!" (But of course what he actually uttered had no reference to chocolate.) With the swiftness of a gazelle I snatched the sandwich off of the table and was headed out the door. I was half way down the flight of stairs before I heard The Actor "Dude" exiting the kitchen door.
With all the clamor I figured he must have tripped over a chair or two on his way out. I was quickly out of the patio area and to the front sidewalk just as The Actor finished off the stairs. I glanced to my right and then to my left. On our walks we had always gone to the left. So I decided this would probably be the best choice as directly in front of me was a very busy street with lots of traffic and lots of noise and who knows what was to the right! As I turned and started running I heard The Actor yell out "Brent, Brent, stop!" Well at least he had finally remembered my name! I was headed for the corner where a gentleman was standing obviously waiting for the traffic to clear so he could cross the street. I ran up to him and stepped into the street so I would be facing him as I inquired if he knew the way back to my home. As soon as I stepped into the street The Actor let out a blood curdling scream, "Brent Noooooooooooooo!" I looked back at The Actor who was running as fast as a human possibly can with a stubbed toe and skinned knees (The poor boy had evidently slipped coming down the stairs after me. Not that I felt any sympathy for him). I looked up at the man on the corner who I noted was eying my turkey and provolone rather suspiciously. Well I'd be darned if I was going to share my hard earned sandwich with a perfect stranger. So I jumped back on the sidewalk rounded the corner and took off down a bike path. It was nice here with patches of grass and shade trees.
I was clipping along at a rather fast trot when I noticed three male youths sitting under a shade tree talking. I thought about pausing in my escape to ask them why they weren't in school when I heard The Actor yelling from behind me "Stop him!" At this point I must admit I was a bit impressed with his perseverance. The boys all jumped to their feet when they heard him yell. Two of them looked at me and ran the other way. But the third boy came toward me saying, "Hey big guy what are you doing out here?" He grabbed me by the collar and held on until The Actor caught up with us. I figured that since the boy did not try to snatch the turkey and provolone from my mug that he probably thought he was doing the right thing by stopping me. So much for good intentions!
After thanking the boy The Actor dragged me back to his apartment. I feared for my life as I thought he was going to be really angry with me like his mother The Old Lady would have been. But all he did was put me in my crate/jail while he cleaned up his scrapped knees. I finished off the sandwich and waited quietly for him to let me out again which he did in about five minutes. I followed him into the kitchen where he sat down on a chair and I laid down in front of him. "Okay Brent (good he still remembered my name) I probably deserved that. My Mom said to never yell at you and that you do have to go out first thing in the morning. But you must never run away from me again! Do you have any idea what The Old Lady would do to me if anything happened to you?" What? Was I hearing correctly? The Actor was afraid of the Old Lady, just like me! Maybe there was hope for him.
The Actor stood up and went over to the cupboard and took out a bowl. He sat back down and poured some of the beverage from his brown bottle into the bowl and placed it in front of me.
I eyed him suspiciously but he payed me no heed as he took a few gulps from the brown bottle and then belched loudly. I sniffed at the bowl. It smelled rather tasty so I lapped down the contents and then I belched rather loudly. The Actor laughed and then patted me on the head. "Next time we'll split a Heineken Sport!" Even though it was obvious The Actor was going to have problems remembering my name, I doubted that he was going to forget today!
That night as we spooned in bed I thought about the events of the day and relationships. It made me smile when I remembered that even though The Old Lady had warned The Actor that I was to be taken out first thing in the morning and to never raise his voice to me he had ignored her. I guess at a certain age, humans feel the need to try to stand alone, apart from their parents, and whether they make mistakes or even fall down it's all a part of their growing up.
As I closed my eyes and let out a deep doggie sigh (the kind that our humans love to hear) I thought about my own Mom and the lessons she has taught me. It would be good to go back home tomorrow and be with her even if it meant having to have The Old Lady boss me around. To be honest, I had begun to miss my Mom Biscuit and I knew she was probably missing me. She would love hearing about my adventures with The Actor and would be amazed at my courage and the way I had navigated through the streets of the big city . Unlike The Actor I like living with my Mom. In fact I hope I never have to leave her again. Well maybe just a few times to come and visit The Actor again. You know once you've scared the ebbie geebies out of a human.....they are yours for ever! Besides that I am looking forward to tasting a Heineken!
Well that's all for now girls, but don't forget to write in if you need some advice!
My Best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer
Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!
email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com
