(This story was written by Brent in early April of this year.)
( His proof readers are just slow!)
Hey Girls, It's me Brent!
What a day I had, let me tell you! I thought it was going to be "Curtains" for me and my mom Biscuit! It all started when I made the decision to unselfishly assist her in a very top secret project. I had noted recently that my mom Biscuit was not acting like her regular peppy self. She was becoming a bit snippy with the big dog Doc and on two occasions had very unkind words, with my snooty cousin Sonie, over nothing! My Mom was still nice to me but was refusing to play chase or to help me find "Old Red" my rubber ball and to be honest my Mom was beginning to pack on the pounds!
The Old Lady didn't seem concerned and wasn't doing anything to help! In fact she began offering my Mom mid-day snacks and plumping pillows for her at Siesta time. I was afraid that maybe The Old Lady was being so nice, because my Mom had some deadly disease ! That would explain the midnight ice cream socials that The Old Lady and my mom Biscuit were enjoying. Each night while watching reruns of "NCIS" and "Law and Order" they would share a mound of ice cream eating from the same bowl and using the same spoon! Yuck! There is nothing more disgusting than watching a human share their eating utensil with a dog! I mean REALLY! You never know where that humans mouth has been! There they are exposing that poor dog to all of their germs! I had the urge to call PETA on The Old Lady and report her for canine endangerment, but you know it's a real hassle trying to punch in a telephone number with paws. In the past when trying to order pizza for me and the gang, I mistakenly called a man in Chickaloon, Alaska. I didn't want to waste the call so I asked him if he could see Russia from his front porch and if he knew his refrigerator was running and if so he'd better catch it! I was laughing so hard I didn't hear what he said as he hung up on me, but it was obvious he didn't have much of a sense of humor
As my Mom's girth continued to grow so did my concerns for her. In desperation I asked my snooty cousin Sonie if she thought my Mom might soon be "dearly departed"? She said "No way! Anyone who can eat as much as your mom does, can't be dying! She's just F-A-T!" While some of her words rang true and were somewhat comforting, I still wanted to smack her on the snout for calling my Mom fat! She could have used nicer words like "well padded", "pudgy", or "plumped up". But no, not my snooty cousin Sonie. She went straight for the F-word and said it in a very snide tone. I reminded her in no uncertain terms that my Mom had once been a show girl. A "queen of the ring" and had done very well in her day. My snooty cousin Sonie only giggled and said "Yeah but look at her now, dude!”
"It's a sad day in the neighborhood" she whispered as she sashayed her firm tapered show girl figure in front of my Mom. To be honest though, my Mom Biscuit didn't seem to care. She just let out a big sigh, threw herself on the warm pavement and then turned over to sun her, now well endowed, chest area. I knew in that instant that something had to be done to help my mom Biscuit and that I was the one to do it.
The opportunity to do so came the very next day. In the early afternoon I found my Mom well hidden behind the large thyme bush in the rock garden. "Whatcha up to mom?" I asked casually "Quite! Keep your voice down. They might hear us!" she said in an irritated hushed tone.
Wondering who they might be I glanced around the rock garden but only noted a line of black ants marching along the wall. Now I find ants as fascinating as the next dog and at times a rather tasty snack. But I had never found them to be a security threat. Had garden espionage been occurring right under my nose? Of course my first instinct was to sniff at them. But having made that mistake last summer with a red ant I fought the urge.
Turning to my Mom I asked, "The a-n-t-s?" I spelled the word ants out in case they were listening! She turned her head slowly toward me with a look of disbelief in her eyes. "No, not the ants you goose! Over there." She pointed with her nose toward the house where The Old Lady and The Old Man were cleaning windows "I don't want them to know what I'm doing."
My Mom, not wanting The Old lady or The Old Man to know what she's doing? I was suddenly both excited and intrigued to say the least . "What is it that you are doing mom? "I whispered in her ear. "This!" she said in a very sleuthy voice, as she stepped away from the base of the thyme bush to reveal a very large hole.
It was the tingling in my paws that first made me realize that I was hyper ventilating. The site of such a magnificently large hole dug by my mother was more than a bit overwhelming. "You did all this?" I asked with a gush of pride.
"Yes and I'm not done yet. There is so much more digging to do and so little time." More digging to do and so little time. This could mean only one thing! My mom was planning an escape! Finally I was going to be free of my snooty cousin Sonie and The Old Lady's oppression!
When at last The Old Man and The Old Lady went back into the house my mom gave the order to "DIG!" And dig we did! Deeper and wider and wider and deeper we dug. As the hole grew the roots of the thyme bush were soon unearthed and a large branch of the bush started to lean into the hole.
"Brent, get that branch out of the way" my Mom called out to me from down in the hole. As I tore the branch away I took a step back and realized just how deep our hole was. "Gee Mom, where are we digging to China?" I asked half joking and half in fear of being mistaken for a delicacy at the other end of the hole.
As I was pulling the branch away from the hole I noticed The Old Lady standing behind the bush. My mom and I had been so busy with the digging that we hadn't heard her come up behind us. The Old Girl took the branch from my mouth and said "No Brent!" My Mom, now oblivious to her surroundings, continued digging at a feverish pace. I was trying to think up some brilliant excuse for the excavation when The Old Lady leaned over the now very, very deep hole and said quietly, "Come on Biscuit, that's enough. " The digging stopped and there was a moment of silence as my Mom realized that her digging plans were now squashed.
Because of the depth of the hole and my Mom's larger than normal girth The Old Girl had to grab on to my mom's tail to help hoist her out. Safely back upright on four legs and covered from head to paws in dirt my mom looked very tired and rather sad.
"It's okay Biscuit" The Old Lady said gently, "Let's get you inside for a bath." And with that the two of them went quietly into the house. There was no screaming from The Old lady, no threats of punishment, no time out in my jail/crate. Just quiet……
Oh my gosh! This could mean only one thing. My mom was dying! Walking over toward the fence I started to cry. As the hot tears rolled down my cheeks Benny the Beagle, who lived next door strutted over to the fence. "Gee, what's wrong with you kid" he asked
"It's my mom" I blubbered "she's dying."
"Your mom?" Benny the Beagle questioned "She looks fine to me."
I then proceeded to tell him about her sudden weight gain (avoiding the F-word) and how nice The Old Lady was treating her and then about our digging an escape tunnel.
It was at this point that Benny the Beagle started laughing. "Your such a melon head!" he chortled." Your mom's not fat or dying. She's just pregnant and by the looks of it ready to pop any day now!"
Not knowing what pregnant meant I just stared at him, feeling sadder and sadder 'cause my mom Biscuit is the best mom in the world and I wouldn't know what to do without her.
"She's going to have puppies. Your going to have new brothers and sisters. Your mom wasn't digging an escape tunnel, you noodle, it's hormonal she was nesting! Geezers Brent, what a numb nut you are!" and with that Benny turned and strutted back, on his short Beagle legs, to his dog house.
Hallelujah! My mom didn't have a deadly! I turned away from the fence and was beginning to feel that all might be right with the world again when I heard the back door slam and The Old Lady screeching my name. Darn that woman and her elephant like memory!
But I wasn't too upset 'cause what's a little or maybe a whole lot of time out in my jail/crate? My mom Biscuit wasn't dying! She was just pregnant and according to Benny, "Ready to pop any day now!" It was a GOOD day in the neighborhood after all!
So Girls it looks like I'm to be a brother again!
Best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer Dog
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