Just Ask Brent

Dear Just Brent,

I'm hoping you can help me and in doing so help canines everywhere. My problem is I do not like it when my humans insist on giving me a bath once a week! Between the soap in my eyes and the blow dryer up my bum I feel totally violated! It is so unnecessary as I consider myself a very hygienic individual. It's not like I'm working up a sweat lying around in the yard all day. Since I'm not a digger, I'm not exposed to much dirt or mud. Unlike yourself I am not a "Treat" partaker, so for the most part, my breath is doggy fresh. I even take extra care to make sure that my personals are clean on a regular basis. Although, to be honest, this particular hygienic maneuver is not always appreciated by my humans. The point is Mr. Brent, I am trying my best to stay clean and now I'm having nightmares every Friday night 'cause I know what my humans have in store for me come Saturday morning!

Please Help!

Sincerely,

Taylor, boy Schnauzer, age 3 years.


Dear Mr. Taylor,

Jeepers! Your folks bathe you on a weekly basis? I thought I had it bad with The Old Lady dousing me with a cold garden hose every couple of weeks and then wiping me down with a Wet Wipe in between. But I do feel your pain Mr. Taylor as I myself am very anti bathing. I too find it an unnecessary human ritual. What form of pleasure humans derive from soaking a dog in any aqueous solution is beyond me! Of course, unless you've been skunked and then I would consider it a necessary medicinal procedure. But I am just one dog so I decided to inquire, of my fellow canines, their feelings on the subject.

First off I asked Benny the Beagle, who lives next door, about his feelings on canine sudsing. He said he had not had a bath since he was but a mere pup. How could that be I wondered, as Benny always has a fresh Egyptian Musk with a slight hint of Vanilla fragrance about him. "No", he continued "I like to take a shower with my man human once or twice a week." As I tried not to envision Benny in the shower with a naked Mr. Burly (his man human) Benny added that he likes the feel of the warm water flowing on his back after a long night of patrolling the backyard looking for possible intruders. (Benny likes to consider himself quite the guard dog!) After an uncomfortable silence (what does one say after such a revelation as Benny's?) I bid Benny a good day and went in search of Moose the Bloodhound who lives around the corner.

I found Moose snoozing on his front porch. After I barked out his name a few times he finally woke up. When I explained my quest to Moose he motioned for me to follow him around to the back where his humans wouldn't hear us. Moose then explained to me that he never bathes. His humans think that it will have a negative effect on his ability to follow a scent when they are out hunting. Moose then told me that a bath probably wouldn't make any difference to his snout but who was he to question a good thing. "Of course" he added "if I were ever skunked, I would take a bath as I would consider it a medicinal necessity." That Moose is one smart dog! He also told me he occasionally enjoys running in the sprinklers with his little humans and swimming in the neighbors pool when they're not home. Moose said "That's plenty of wetness for one dog!" I share his view on this subject!

My last inquiry was of Bridget the Poodle who lives across the street. Bridget always smells of Lavender or Jean Nate. She stated that she is groomed every two weeks by Diana her canine barber at Le Salon. Bridget said "I like the pampering I receive there. Diana is a whiz with the scissors and I always come out looking quite smart if I do say so myself!" I had to agree with Bridget as she always looks very stylish . "But what I like best" Bridget added softly, "Is when my human girl Sophie, plays dog groomer and freshens me up with her Grandmother's Jean Nate after bath splash, in between visits to Le Salon." Darned if that Bridget isn't one lucky canine! I wish I had a girl like Sophie. All I have is The Old Lady whose idea idea of freshening me up before company comes over to visit, is to chase me around the house with a can of Yucky Oder Be Gone!

So my dear Mr. Taylor this is my advice to you:

1. On Friday nights encourage your humans to order out for pizza! While your folks are munching away on their crunchy Italian pie make sure that they are also enjoying a glass or two or three of a California Petite Sirah. This is a delightful wine with a spicy, plummy flavour that will pair well with the pizza. Also, with an alcoholic content of 16% plus, if your humans consume enough of it, they will not care about you or your bathing needs the next morning. So I say Salute!

2.If you are one who enjoys the therapeutic benefits of canine aroma therapy AKA a good roll in a putrid area of the yard, you must put a stop to this time honored activity. Although as a dog I can attest to the benefits of this tradition, most humans haven't a clue why we do it. As you are well aware we, who have a intense sense of olfacation, may find the fragrance of a sun dried earth worm to be not only pleasant but quite stimulating. Humans on the other hand with their limited olfactory receptors perceive the odor in a negative connotation. Often after I have enjoyed a good roll, The Old Lady will respond with a rude comment such as, "You stink!" and go for the garden hose! On the other hand when she loads up on her Old Lady cologne, sprays, or lotions she thinks she smells great! Little does she know that it totally overwhelms my sensitive canine snout and leaves me in a nasal haze for hours. And don't get me started on those scented candles which are suppose to make the house smell like she's been baking all day instead of on the phone! Humans just don't seem to have an appreciation of a good earthy fragrance so I say, "Put a hold on the Roll!"

3. Although it might be tempting. DO NOT EAT THE SOAP! Yes it can be very tasty going down and yes being able to burp up bubbles and blow them out your snout is very impressive and yes it will even delay them giving you a bath. BUT IT IS NOT WORTH IT! Believe you me, as tasty as those fragrant spheres of suds are going down they are one vicious, never ending pop coming out the other end! Which if you are locked in your crate/jail and The Old Lady doesn't believe you when you bark that you need to go out again, can be disastrous!

In conclusion....if all else fails Mr. Taylor, do the Oh so sorry did I get you wet? Shake! I prefer to do it when The Old Girl is right up against me with the hose. I do a fast 90 degree right turn which knocks the hose from her hand and soaks her shoes. As she bends down to pick it up I move in closer and shake myself for all I'm worth! Although the Oh so sorry did I get you wet? Shake!, does not stop them from bathing you, it does give you a canine moment of sheer delight! There is nothing more inspiring than to see a human screaming about how cold the water is as they wipe the soap bubbles from their face!

My best to you,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog


Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!
email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com

Brent and The Very Big Squash

Hey Girls it's Me Brent!

Okay, so his name is Charley and The Old Lady and her friends think he's adorable. I personally thought his name should have been, Hardly. As in he Hardly knows anything, can Hardly do anything right and he's a big pain in my Hardly there, derriere! To be honest, I truly do not understand what humans have for babies and puppies. Both always want something and neither can do much of anything for themselves. But more about Charley The Hardly.

The Old Lady was in a kitchen cleaning mode (and we weren't even having company over!) when she came out into the back yard with a very large butternut squash. The color was a cross between a mango tango and a burnt sienna. The large squash had been sitting on the kitchen counter for the last three weeks. I know because I had been eyeing it in hopes The Old Lady was going to make something creative like Curried Butternut Squash Soup or Butternut Squash Risotto with Chives and leave it on the counter to "cool" after baking. But who am I kidding. Anymore The Old Girl avoids cooking if at all possible. Her idea of an exotic home cooked meal is a trip to The Olive Garden with The Old Man.

As The Old Lady stepped out on to the patio she called out, in a very syrupy sweet voice, one that I haven't heard come out of her since I was but a mere pup myself, "Charley, come here Charley, look what I have for you to play with. " Well the silly little scallywag comes tearing out of the house like The Old Girl had a juicy steak bone for him instead of a dumb raw cucurbita. He circles her with his tail wagging so hard that his butt look like a hula girl. Of course The Old Lady was delighted by his behavior and bend down to give him a kiss on his mug just as Little Mr. Hardly jumps up to slather her with a big wet one on her mug. What occurred next was one of those moments in life where your just dying to say "Saw that coming", but choose to hold your tongue out of fear for your life! There was a loud smacking sound as Mr. Hardly's block head made hard contact with The Old Lady's chin. After a tense moment of silence The Old Girl let out a few profane superlatives as she dropped the squash, covered her now slightly bloodied mouth and made a bee line for the house. As the back door slammed shut behind her, I walked slowly toward the now some what bruised and battered butternut squash which was lying on it's side in front of Hardly Charley. The goofy pup was just staring dumbfounded at the squash like he could not comprehend what had just occurred.

"Well you really screwed the pooch on that one, Hardly" I stated nonchalantly. He looked up at me with a look of both confusion and fear. It was then that I noted he had evidently bit his own tongue when he and The Old Lady had knocked heads. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he cried out, "It bit me, that big orange thing bit me!" With that he tucked his stubby tail between his legs and ran for cover under the ferns by the pond. I paused looking down at the battered butternut squash and then back at the quivering ferns that were now covering Hardly. As I advanced towards the now terrified pup I realized that Hardly was actually scared of the butternut! It only took me a second to realize that this might be my opportunity to show my superior intellect and athletic abilities to the silly boy, so I barked at him to stay covered and I would protect him !

Turning toward the offending squash I advanced with a swagger that would have made John Wayne proud. My lips were curled in a snarl as I barked out threats of impending harm upon the squash. I showed the agility of a panther as I pounced upon it with jaws spread wide like a great white, I bit into the skin of the butternut ripping out a large chunk of it's succulent flesh. I swallowed the piece whole for dramatic effect.

Glancing over at the still quivering ferns I noted that Hardly had stuck his snout out between the fronds and was sniffing the air as if to try and detect the scent of the squash from it's now gaping whole . Feeling rather saucy and wanting to further impress the pup I danced around the butternut pouncing on it at every turn while barking ferociously at it in the same manner I had seen The Big Dog Doc do to a treed opossum last week. After every full turn I would bend down and take another bite out of the squash. Tossing my head to & fro, I let the juices run down my chin as I caught sight of Hardly watching me. He was now sitting very still in front of the ferns with his mouth wide open and eyes as big as saucers, staring at me in awe . Fueled by his admiration for my deft movements and tactical expertise I grabbed what was left of the butternut squash with my mouth and shook it like a rag doll. There was squash and juice flying everywhere as I flipped up the last chunk of the butternut and swallowed it whole.

I knew that I had really impressed Charley The Hardly, with my display of canine savagery, by the way he just sat there staring at me in disbelief. I began to think though that maybe I had gone too far, when a look of pure terror crossed his face, as he looked up above me as if in prayer. Turning and looking up I saw that it wasn't an angel Hardly was looking at! No it was The Old Lady standing over me. She had evidently come out of the house in the midst of my frenzy and was now standing behind me. With bits of squash and splattered butternut juice all down the front of her, The Old Girl glared at me as she held an ice pack to her lower lip.

It was at that moment that I realized that I was in a no win situation. So I did what any other American Bred dog would do. I ran! In any other incidence The Old Lady probably would have given me chase. But I do believe that she was too afraid of slipping and sliding on the remnants of the squash and all the juices to do so. So she just stood her ground and yelled at me. "Brent what did you do? Look at this mess!" She screamed this out in a very shrill nasty voice that I am sure the neighbors did not appreciate. I was very embarrassed for her, so feeling her need to be alone I hid myself well behind the bushes in the corner of the yard. I watched from my vantage point as The Old Girl swept up the bits of lifeless squash and hosed down the last traces of the juicy cucurbita.

After The Old Lady, was done she just shook her head and made little clicking sounds with her tongue, like a rabid wood pecker, as she went back into the house. It was actually rather sad as she had a look of defeat about her. The Old Girl has just never had an appreciation for any of my talents! I waited a few more minutes before exiting my hiding place to make sure that The Old Girl wasn't going to come out for another round of "What have you done now Brent!" I caught sight of Charley The Hardly, as I rounded the patio wall while heading for the water bucket. Devouring a squash can make you really thirsty! He was right where I had left him, just sitting there staring at the now very wet but very clean patio. As I came upon him he looked up at me with his big wide eyes and whispered, "You killed it! You weren't even afraid, you just killed it!"

I looked long and deep into his large innocent puppy eyes and realized that at sometime every kid, whether they be human or canine needs a hero in their life so looking him straight in the eye I said, "That's right Kid, I did kill it! But how's about you and me keep this whole incident just between the two of us. We don't want to scare any of the others. Okay?" Hardly shook his head yes as he followed me to the water bucket. I could see from the panting and his tongue hanging out that the events of the afternoon had made him quite thirsty. But when we got to the bucket instead of rushing me for the water he just stepped back and waited till I was done drinking. It's the kind of thing I do for my Mom Biscuit and The Big Dog Doc to show my respect.

After a very long drink I realized I was a bit tired from all of the hoopla so I went over and stretched out on the grass for a snooze. Soon Hardly Charley came up and laid down next to me. He was quiet for a few moments which I liked 'cause the sun was making me very sleepy. I was just starting to doze off when I heard him say in his soft puppy voice "You know, your really cool". I opened one eye and looked at him thoughtfully. "Your right Charley", I whispered "I am", and with that we both let out a long deep sigh and closed our eyes. As I drifted off, I could feel his puppy bumm against my back and heard him start to softly snore. To be honest.....I kinda liked it! It was a good twenty minutes of blissful peace before I heard the back door slam and knew it was time for me to skedaddle 'cause I knew The Old Girl would be gunning for me and I'd be darned if I was going to let her catch me snoozing!

Well Girls that's it for now. But you know, I've been thinking. I am going to call Hardly, just Charley from now on 'cause evidently he does seem to know a few things after all!

Best to you,
Brent The Boy Boxer Dog

Brent and the Very Bad Idea

Hey Girls it's me Brent!


Okay so even if it wasn't The Old Lady's idea, I still blame her!
What was she thinking or obviously not! But let us start at the beginning where all bad ideas start! The Old Lady's son, The Actor, was visiting her one day. She is always very pleased to see him and gushes all over him, like a fire hydrant in Brooklyn on a hot summers day. She had fed him and pampered him and listened to all of his stories about his escapades as a struggling actor when he started to whine about how lonely he was. He told The Old Girl that with his girlfriend out on tour, he was all alone in his apartment. The Old Girl was being very sympathetic to his plight when he suddenly spied me sitting quietly in the corner, looking quite regal if I do say so myself, on a large fluffy dog pillow. "I do believe if I had a dog for company I would not be half as lonely." The Actor said this with a tear in his voice that was so well executed that even I felt sorry for him. The Old Lady sat up in her chair with a look of disbelief on her face. "You're not asking for one of my dogs are you?" she asked.

"Well of course not The Biscuit or The D.O.C. I was thinking maybe you might let Brent come and stay with me for awhile." The Actor's tone was reminiscent of an eight year old boy pining for a puppy in a pet store window. But The Old Lady was not so easily moved. "I don't know if that would be such a good idea," she replied. "Brent likes being here with his Mom Biscuit. He is a bit of a Mama's boy if you know what I mean." (Okay, so even though it's true, she didn't have to say it out loud!)
"Oh, he'll be fine with me. I'll take real good care of him." Even though The Actor's words sounded sincere The Old Lady still looked skeptical. "Pleeeeassse," The Actor moaned, "I hate being alone!" I could tell by the softening of the wrinkles around her mouth that The Old Girl might give in. Then The Actor sealed my fate by jumping up, throwing his arms around The Old Lady and whispering in her ear "Oh Suzie Q, please can't Brent come and stay with me for awhile?"

As they were packing me into The Actors 2009 silver Mustang with the V8 engine, 300 horse under the hood and 18 inch chrome wheels, I decided maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
I had always fancied myself a performance sort of dog and now I finally had the appropriate ride to reflect my personal style! The Old Lady was going over my diet, when she again reminded The Actor that "Brent needs to go out first thing in the morning, and you must never, ever yell at him." (Well obviously The Old Girl learned her lesson after the Grey furry Slipper incident.) The Actor nodded his head yes and mumbled something about "Why would I ever yell at him?" The Old Girl gave The Actor a kiss on the cheek, told him to call her if there was any problem and then waved good-bye. I suddenly felt rather free. Of course I would miss my Mom Biscuit.....but alas a weekend without The Old Lady!

We arrived at The Actors apartment without incident. He immediately let me out of his car and led me onto the "Apartment" all 650 square feet of it! Wowziers! And I thought my crate/jail was small! The Actor went out of his way to make me feel welcomed.....at first. After showing me around the apartment he offered me a bowl of water and then took me for a short walk around the block. I had never been in the "Big City" before and to be honest I found my new surroundings a bit intimidating at first. There were lots of cars, lots of people and lots of noise!
The Actor allowed me to sleep in bed with him the first night and the next day we just hung out at "The Pad". A few actor friends came over in the afternoon to go over a script they were working on. The Guys were all really nice to me and said how cool they thought I was. At last I was finally being appreciated! That night The Actor set his alarm for 6:30 in the morning. He told me he had an audition for a musical in the morning and wanted to get up early to exercise his voice before singing in front of the director. I didn't mind us turning in early as I was actually rather tired after a full day of hanging out at "The Pad".

It was the loud but rather clever use of profanity that awakened me the next morning. What I could glean from all of the swearing and dramatic gasps and groans was that we had over slept! The Actor jumped out of bed, grabbed my collar and shoved me into my crate/jail. "Your going to have to wait until I get dressed before I can take you out!" I stood there dumbfounded as I watched him dress and then trot off to the loo . Had not The Old Lady told/warned him that I needed to go out FIRST thing in the morning? It was the flush of the toilet that sent me over the edge. I could hold out no longer! I was in full stream in the middle of my crate, when The Actor finally returned to the room. He let out a scream that any horror flick diva would be proud of. Then he asked in a hoarse whisper, "What are you doing?" I was pretty sure he knew what I was doing as he had just done the same thing himself!

But it was his next response that was even a surprise to me! "Well then I guess your going to have to wait on your breakfast until I come back because now I have to clean up this mess!" He uttered these words in the most acidic of tones and with a nasty look on his face that was very reminiscent of The Old lady." I was trying to explain to him that The Old Girl had warned him that once I'm up I'm READY to go! But all he did was yell at me to "Stop barking".
After a slew of more profanities and dramatic sighs The Actor cleaned out my crate/jail and then got himself ready for his audition. He quickly left the apartment in a huff, leaving me alone without even turning on the TV or the radio for company! I was soon feeling very sad and missing my Mom Biscuit. I knew that my Mom Biscuit would be very upset if she found out how I was being treated! I curled up on the tea towel that The Actor had thrown in to my crate after Pinesol-ing the inside. I awoke hours later to the slam of the front door. From the actors attitude and continued use of profanities under his breath I gathered that the audition had not gone well. I stood up in my crate/jail and stretched realizing just how hungry I had become. I called out to The Actor, but he just ignored me. Now this was not going to do! Even The Old Lady would not be pleased with how The Actor was treating me. I was just about ready to resort to howling when The Actor came and let me out. I followed him into the kitchen where a large deli sandwich and a cold beverage in a brown bottle set on the table. Well now that was better! The Actor obviously regretting his earlier transgressions had bought me lunch!

I was making a bee line for the spread on the table when The Actor cut me off by sitting down in chair in front of the eats. It was with his first bite, of the peppered turkey with provolone on a poppy seed Kaiser roll, that I realized this lunch was not for me! This guy was, not only, not going to feed me, but he was going to eat his lunch in front of me! The Actor had a smear of mustard on his chin as he said with a mouth full of provolone and turkey. "Don't worry Dude, I'll feed you as soon as I'm done here." Don't worry Dude? Okay so first he makes me pee in my crate/jail, then he withholds my morning nourishment, next he leaves me alone for hours without any form of entertainment and now he's forgotten that my name is Brent? Oh no, this just wasn't going to work out in oh so many ways! As The Actor got up from the table to get a napkin from the counter I noticed that the kitchen door next the table was slightly opened (evidently to let out the odors of a morning gone bad) and that with The Actor over at the sink there was nothing standing between me and freedom except for a peppered turkey with provolone on a poppy seed kaiser bun! I glanced up at The Actor who was wiping the mustard from his mug. He was ignoring me for the moment so I knew I would have to make my move now! I skirted around the table with the agility of a cat. I was to the back door before The Actor knew what was happening. I glanced over my shoulder as I heard him utter "Oh F-U-D-G-E!" (But of course what he actually uttered had no reference to chocolate.) With the swiftness of a gazelle I snatched the sandwich off of the table and was headed out the door. I was half way down the flight of stairs before I heard The Actor "Dude" exiting the kitchen door.

With all the clamor I figured he must have tripped over a chair or two on his way out. I was quickly out of the patio area and to the front sidewalk just as The Actor finished off the stairs. I glanced to my right and then to my left. On our walks we had always gone to the left. So I decided this would probably be the best choice as directly in front of me was a very busy street with lots of traffic and lots of noise and who knows what was to the right! As I turned and started running I heard The Actor yell out "Brent, Brent, stop!" Well at least he had finally remembered my name! I was headed for the corner where a gentleman was standing obviously waiting for the traffic to clear so he could cross the street. I ran up to him and stepped into the street so I would be facing him as I inquired if he knew the way back to my home. As soon as I stepped into the street The Actor let out a blood curdling scream, "Brent Noooooooooooooo!" I looked back at The Actor who was running as fast as a human possibly can with a stubbed toe and skinned knees (The poor boy had evidently slipped coming down the stairs after me. Not that I felt any sympathy for him). I looked up at the man on the corner who I noted was eying my turkey and provolone rather suspiciously. Well I'd be darned if I was going to share my hard earned sandwich with a perfect stranger. So I jumped back on the sidewalk rounded the corner and took off down a bike path. It was nice here with patches of grass and shade trees.

I was clipping along at a rather fast trot when I noticed three male youths sitting under a shade tree talking. I thought about pausing in my escape to ask them why they weren't in school when I heard The Actor yelling from behind me "Stop him!" At this point I must admit I was a bit impressed with his perseverance. The boys all jumped to their feet when they heard him yell. Two of them looked at me and ran the other way. But the third boy came toward me saying, "Hey big guy what are you doing out here?" He grabbed me by the collar and held on until The Actor caught up with us. I figured that since the boy did not try to snatch the turkey and provolone from my mug that he probably thought he was doing the right thing by stopping me. So much for good intentions!

After thanking the boy The Actor dragged me back to his apartment. I feared for my life as I thought he was going to be really angry with me like his mother The Old Lady would have been. But all he did was put me in my crate/jail while he cleaned up his scrapped knees. I finished off the sandwich and waited quietly for him to let me out again which he did in about five minutes. I followed him into the kitchen where he sat down on a chair and I laid down in front of him. "Okay Brent (good he still remembered my name) I probably deserved that. My Mom said to never yell at you and that you do have to go out first thing in the morning. But you must never run away from me again! Do you have any idea what The Old Lady would do to me if anything happened to you?" What? Was I hearing correctly? The Actor was afraid of the Old Lady, just like me! Maybe there was hope for him.

The Actor stood up and went over to the cupboard and took out a bowl. He sat back down and poured some of the beverage from his brown bottle into the bowl and placed it in front of me.
I eyed him suspiciously but he payed me no heed as he took a few gulps from the brown bottle and then belched loudly. I sniffed at the bowl. It smelled rather tasty so I lapped down the contents and then I belched rather loudly. The Actor laughed and then patted me on the head. "Next time we'll split a Heineken Sport!" Even though it was obvious The Actor was going to have problems remembering my name, I doubted that he was going to forget today!
That night as we spooned in bed I thought about the events of the day and relationships. It made me smile when I remembered that even though The Old Lady had warned The Actor that I was to be taken out first thing in the morning and to never raise his voice to me he had ignored her. I guess at a certain age, humans feel the need to try to stand alone, apart from their parents, and whether they make mistakes or even fall down it's all a part of their growing up.

As I closed my eyes and let out a deep doggie sigh (the kind that our humans love to hear) I thought about my own Mom and the lessons she has taught me. It would be good to go back home tomorrow and be with her even if it meant having to have The Old Lady boss me around. To be honest, I had begun to miss my Mom Biscuit and I knew she was probably missing me. She would love hearing about my adventures with The Actor and would be amazed at my courage and the way I had navigated through the streets of the big city . Unlike The Actor I like living with my Mom. In fact I hope I never have to leave her again. Well maybe just a few times to come and visit The Actor again. You know once you've scared the ebbie geebies out of a human.....they are yours for ever! Besides that I am looking forward to tasting a Heineken!

Well that's all for now girls, but don't forget to write in if you need some advice!
My Best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer

Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!

email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com

Dear Just Brent,

My Ma'am (AKA human mom) has been reading me your blog and I think you are very smart! I'm hoping that you can help me with my problem. I have the opportunity to compete in a very big dog show this month. I've been told this is a very special show and that I have to be on my best behavior. Problem is my best behavior isn't always so very good. I have a tendency to show people how much I love them by getting very excited and jumping up to hug and kiss them. I guess for some reason that is frowned upon! Anyone who knows us boxers, understands that this is how we express our total joy in meeting new people. We are just a "paws on" kinda breed! How can I keep my excitability under control and not embarrass my Ma'am if it turns out I can go to the show?

Yours Truly,
Fergie, Boxer (Show Girl, 1 year old )


Dear Fergie,

Jeepers! Are you related to that super fine girl singer Stacy Fergerson, star of my forever most favorite show, Kids Incorporated? She rocked on that show, with her long blond hair and those super cool outfits. Man I would love to meet her and be able to lick her hand!
To be honest Ms Fergie, at first, I was not going to respond to your letter. When I read that you were a show girl, I thought that you might be snooty like my cousin Sonie (AKA Princess Champion). But then I read that you think I am smart so I felt it was my duty to help you!
Although I have never been to a dog show personally, my Mom Biscuit has told me plenty of stories about what goes on at them so I feel that I am well able to advise you.

So Ms Fergie, here is my advice to you:

1. As you have stated, we Boxers are a joyful breed who love to jump and dance when ever we meet new folks. To downsize your enthusiasm as you walk into the show ring, I would encourage you to envision that all of the humans are in their birthday suits! My Mom Biscuit said that she did this as a pup when she felt nervous about impressing the judge. For the most part it worked out very well for her. I myself tried the "Humans in their B.D. Suits Vision" when The Old Lady was upset with me over a missing loaf of Banana Nut Bread (Yes I did eat it and yes it was delicious!) I did not want to appear guilty so during her interrogation of me, I envisioned The Old Girl in the buff . Well needless to say I laughed so hard I almost fell over! This infuriated The Old Lady, as she thought I was being insolent and showed no remorse over the missing loaf. So she put in my crate/jail for a very lengthy time out! There for Ms Fergie remember, when you are using this technique to try and quash your excitement in the ring, do not envision anyone who looks like The Old Lady in the nude as it will make you laugh really hard!

2. Pursue a hobby! I find that as a dog having a hobby is very beneficial as it can both relax and help you to focus when under stress. Of course as a member of the canine community, finding the right hobby is not always as easy as one might think! My first hobby was collecting Beetles. At first, I found it do-able and cost effective. After collecting the locals such as, the California prionus and one of my favorites the Phoracantha Recurva, a very handsome fellow originally from Australia, I started (illegally per the Internet) importing from out of state! As my obsession grew I went for the more exotic ones like the Alabama Pincher and the Black Blister, and (my eventual downfall ) the Checkered Beetle.

To make a long story short, I had my beetle gang out in the back yard for some fun in the sun when I heard The Old Lady approaching. I had always kept the gang in separate match boxes but in a panic I tried to quickly scoop them up into an empty Milk Bone box. I had them rounded up and was gently nudging the last guys in with my snout when the Alabama Pincher grabbed a hold of my right, nostril while the Black Blister slathered my left nostril with his toxic blistering secretion. (Needless to say I will, in the future, read the fine print when purchasing ANYTHING on the Internet!) I didn't know what to do so I licked my snout hard and swallowed them both whole. My eyes were watering and my nose was running as I grabbed the Milk Bone Box, with the rest of the gang, and headed for my secret corner in the yard where I left them out of view from The Old Lady. A few hours later, with a hideously swollen snout and very achy belly, I returned to my secret corner calling out "It's Okay guys I'm back!" When I tore open the Milk Bone box I was horrified not to see the whole gang, but only a very bloated Checkered Beetle with a smile like a Cheshire cat on his face! (I will also in the future, before making a purchase, look up words I am not familiar with like Predaceous).
So my dear Ms Fergie, stay away from live critters and the Internet when picking a hobby! I say start with a rock collection but I warn you not to eat any of the white sparkly rocks. Even though they look like candy they are not and they can be very painful upon exiting!

3. If you find yourself swept up in the moment and doing the boxer wiggle dance in the middle of the show ring when you are suppose to be quietly stacked and looking totally magnificent, simply look up at your Ma'am with adoration in your eyes that say "I love you girl!" This will let your Ma'am know that you really tried hard but your joy and love of the moment were just too much. Then as you exit the ring, try and wag your tail extra hard and look really cute. This will encourage your Ma'ams friends to comment that even though you were naughty, you were really cute! Your Ma'am will forgive you instantly 'cause all human moms love to hear how cute their dog is!


Good Luck in the ring Ms Fergie!

Best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Need some advice on life?

"Just Ask Brent "
emails questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com

"Just Ask Brent"

Dear Just Brent,

I have a minor dilemma of the utmost importance. First let me clear up a few things so that there is no confusion. I adore my human Margaret/AKA Maggie. She is not only the best human a dog could ask for but she is also my best friend, as she likes to talk to me about everything. However, there lies my problem Mr. Brent, she insists on talking to me as if I am a small child. Since I am a Boston terrier and small in physical stature, this does not reflect my mental capacity. What my Maggie girl doesn't know is that as soon as she falls asleep at night, I squirm my way out of her grip and head straight to the Internet in order to quench my intellectual thirst with as many news sites as my paws can click (and of course a little entertainment, which is where your blog comes in). However, my sweet Maggie continues to insist on dressing me up like a little sailor or a pumpkin or with the change of the season, an elf! I have more than my dashing good looks and the ability to pull off just about any costume she can come up with, it’s just that I would much rather be picking out a financial port folio with her instead of buying the latest Paris Hilton inspired "Canine Cuties" outfit. I don't look "hot", I am hot, as in over heated.
Help! I'm melting in Frustration,
Buttercup, Boston Terrier age 8

Dear Mr. Cup,
With a name like Buttercup I feel your frustration! But wowziers, I've always dreamt of playing dress up at Halloween! It's just The Old Lady is too cheap. I 've imagined myself a pirate (kinda like a Boxer Johnny Depp!) and I would have a really big sword and boots and a long purple sash and I would say things like "Aye-Aye Matie!" I would be an outstanding pirate! My ship would be called "The Sea Biscuit" and I would have a boxer wench at every port, who I would sing to "Boxer wench, you’re a fine girl what a good wife you would be, but my love, my life and my lady is the sea”, and they would all idolize me and think me……amazing! But I digress as this is not about me.....it's about you Buttercup and your frustrations not mine!
I wasn't sure how to take aim at your situation so I conversed with my next door neighbor Benny the Beagle. He was a bumble bee for Halloween two years ago (I thought he looked rather dashing as a fuzzy anthropod!) Benny said that while as a Thespian he enjoyed the challenge of portraying the Bombus Sterestris, he found the stinger to be a bit of a nuisance when trying to sit down. He said he feels that dressing up at Halloween is the patriotic thing to do, so he does not have a problem with it once a year. But he said "Do it more than that?"and I quote, "Hell No!"
I then queried Bridget the Poodle who lives across the street. Bridget loves to play dress up with her human girl Sophie, who is six years old in human years. Every year at Halloween Bridget comes trick-or-treating with Sophie. This year they dressed up in look alike fairy costumes. When I answered the door, with The Old Lady, I tried to pretend I didn't recognize them. But I could tell it was Bridget because her poofy poodle tail was sticking out from underneath her pink wings and she started wagging it when she saw me. Today, when I asked Bridget about wearing costumes she told me that dress up is lots of fun, especially when she and Sophie play princess or bride dog. Bridget also said that while she does get "hot" at times while in costume, she loves the way that her Sophie looks at her when they play. She said "hot" or not and I quote, "It's well worth it!"

So my dear Mr. Cup this is my advice to you:
1. As we interact with our humans we all have to decide what is "Well worth it" and what is a "Hell No!" situation. It's the give and take of our canine/human relationship that makes our daily life what it is. As a mature pooch I encourage you to pick your battles with Maggie. You need to choose what is more important to you, making Miss Maggie happy with dress up or your free time on the Internet. I myself have had to do this at times like when I have chosen to refrain from partaking of "treat" in exchange for, a hopefully blind eye from The Old Lady when I'm taking, a snooze on the couch. While dressing up as a sailor might be uncomfortable at times you might think of it as an opportunity to not only please your Maggie but also catch the eye of a cute Beagle or Schnauzer girl, as I hear they have a thing for sailors!
2. When your Maggie is reading the morning newspaper take the opportunity to guide her to a financial gain either through the chew & tear/clipping of dog food coupons or a paw print on a wise buy in the business section of the paper. She will think you a very clever pup and possibly let you go naked for the day! You know Mr. Cup, we dogs often have to take the lead with our humans in order for them to have a more successful and fulfilling life. Either through a long walk, a fast paced game of fetch or if all else fails a good chew on their favorite shoe it is up to us to make them stop and take a personal inventory of what it is they are doing and where in life they are going. Don't forget that once a human has left their whelping box and moved out on their own they are bound to have moments of frustration or loneliness. It is at these moments that it is our God given duty to intervene. As canines we all know that a lick on the hand or a wag of the tail is our way of saying, "It's going to be okay kid, you can do it"!
Do remember Mr. Cup, whether you be a sailor, a pirate or a bumble bee, you are above all else a Dog! We are a great species who get to share our lives with those crazy kids called "Humans". And as we know, for most of them whether they be a Maggie, a Jeff, a Sandy, a Rachel, a Doug, or even a Susan, it is we who ROCK their world!
So Mr. Cup, keep on Rocking! You can do it!
Best to you,
Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!

email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com

Just Ask Brent

Dear Just Brent,

You don’t know me but I’m also a Boxer boy, only my human mom does not let me on the computer much. She’s afraid I will learn of horrible things on the Internet. I have read your blog in the past and you seem to know about lots of things. Here's my situation, I hope you can help. My human Mom has been acting very strange lately, as she allows me to beg from the table which she never use to do and she feeds me delicious home baked chicken sometimes. It all started when we went to see my veterinarian and he told my mom I have cancer (lymphoma). Now I go every week to see the doctor. They are very nice to me at my veterinarian's office and treat me like I am a prince! My human Mom cries a lot after we leave there . I’m not sure why. I don't know if I have done something wrong or if maybe she is afraid of doctors and needles or maybe it is because when we leave the office the nurse gives me a tasty cookie but never offers one to her.

Please let me know what you think,

Winston, a 5 yr. old, Heroic Boy Boxer Dog. Los Angeles, Calif.

Dear Winston,

Thank you for writing in and introducing yourself to me. I am always looking forward to meeting new canine friends through my blog! You seem like a very intelligent dog (and I'm not just saying that as you too are a handsome Boxer dog.....well then again, maybe I am!) I understand your Ma'ams (human Mom) concern with the Internet. There are a lot of ditsy humans out there not to mention those insecure trolls who misuse the Internet to promote their own human inadequacies. A dog would never dream of spreading such mindless muck nor waste their time in doing so. Not when one can be outdoors playing chase while enjoying the sweet smell of fresh cut grass and the feeling of the sun on your bum. Now that's knowing how to use your time wisely!

When I first read about you and Cancer I thought you were talking about your astrological sign, Cancer the Crab! Which would mean that you are Emotional and loving, Intuitive and imaginative, Shrewd and cautious, Protective and sympathetic. I on the other hand, am a Virgo the Virgin. Which means I am Modest and shy, Meticulous and reliable, Practical and diligent, Intelligent and analytical. After re-reading your email I realized my obvious faux pas but would still probably guess that you are the intuitive, loving Crab and since I am a virgin, (which my snooty cousin Sonie has informed me, I will be till the day I die) I am most certainly a Virgo.

I must admit I was dismayed when I looked up what a Lymphoma is, but also encouraged at the same time. I learned that Lymphoma is one of the most common cancers (not the astrological Crab kind) seen in dogs. The Golden Retriever is especially susceptible to developing lymphoma. Breeds that are also commonly affected include Boxer, Scottish Terrier, Basset Hound, Airedale Terrier, Chow Chow,German Shepherd, Poodle , St. Bernard, Bulldog, Beagle, and Rottweiler. I'm glad that your Ma'am has chosen to do chemotherapy because I also read that, if a dog tolerates chemotherapy (and fortunately most dogs do) their quality of life can be quite good during the treatment period. Treatment for lymphoma in the dog is considered one of the more successful cancer treatments and can often be performed by a local veterinarian without the need to travel long distances to veterinary schools or specialty clinics (Darn, there goes your chance to go to Paris for treatment and meet a lot of "hot" french poodle girls!). It helps to remember that one year can equate to almost 10% of a dog's expected life span, therefore, the increased life expectancy with lymphoma treatment is often well worth it as I am sure it will be worth it for you Winston.

But as all canines know whether our lives are long or short we dogs enjoy a much better life style than do most humans. We sleep in, in the mornings, (a lot of us in our humans beds) and enjoy our meals without ever having to lift a paw. Our humans like to fuss over us and talk silly baby talk to us. They remember our birthdays and we celebrate their holidays with them. The fact is that we owe a lot to our humans as they do plenty for us. (Well maybe not so much The Old Lady as she does have me spending quite a bit of time in a "time out" in my crate when ever I get caught being "too" creative!) But best of all we canines don't have to waste our time worrying, 'cause our humans do plenty of that for us!

I do believe that your problem is that your human Ma'am is one of those lovey, worrier kinds of Ma'ams. She loves you so she worries about you! So this is my advice to you Mr. Winston:

1. Make sure that when you are leaving your veterinarians office that your Ma'am is offered a cookie. This will alleviate any feelings of favoritism between you and your Ma'am. But if she doesn't care for the crunchy biscuit I encourage you to also refuse one. This will give her a feeling that you are a real team and can face anything together! Then when you are back in the car, give her that look that says "Gee, I could really do with a Baskin Robbins cone right now." Your Ma'am will want to be supportive of her team mate and immediately take you for a scoop! I encourage a choice of "Very Berry Strawberry Ice Cream". It's really good for you as Strawberries are rich in Vitamin C which is good for the immune system, it's also a good source of manganese, omega 3, B5, B6 and vitamin K. Then there is the ice cream which is packed full of calcium which keeps our bones healthy and for your Ma'am helps control blood pressure and puts a damper on those PMS moments!

2. When your Ma'am is having a sad time ('cause she's worrying about you) give her a lick on her hand and then take her for a walk. As I have stated before, humans need lots of exercise.
Exercise causes a release of endorphins which can create a feeling of calm. As canines we all know that if humans would only worry less and spend more time chewing on a good bone, digging in the garden or chasing a butterfly, a frog, another dog or even their own tail, they would experience more tranquility in their daily lives.

3. Allow your Ma'am to pamper you! It will be help her to be in the moment. Humans are always measuring time with their calendars,their wall clocks and their wrist watches. They live for the future and love to talk about the past. We canines are fortunate enough to live in the moment. We enjoy the here and now! So any time your girl wants to give you a treat from the table smile and give a look that says "Way to go Ma'am!" When she takes the time to cook something special for you show your appreciation by letting her give you a back rub. This will let her know that at this moment in time you know what it is to be the luckiest dog ever!

Do take Care Dear Winston and continue to enjoy each moment, as only a dog knows how!

Best to you,

Brent the Boy Boxer Dog

......And God created Man and Woman and was pleased.....but he knew they would need a special companion, one who would be at their side to help protect and guide them......and so God created a special being and he looked at his new creation and was touched by how much it loved the humans and how it wanted to be with them at all times whether good or bad......and God said to this new creation "I shall call you Dog.........because it is you above all others that reflects what is in my heart." -Brent the Boy Boxer Dog 2010

Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!

email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com

Brent and the Ark

Hey Girls it's me Brent!

Well the rains are upon us once again and once again I am haunted by the memory of the Spring flooding of 2010! Because of the horrific images that come to mind when I speak of the floods, I have not done so in the past. But now I feel I must attempt to, in hopes of creating a cathartic cleansing of my cognitive memory. (I really have no idea what I just said, but I think it looks really good in print!)
It all started out on a cold rainy night, as do most frightful events in ones life. We had all had our teeth brushed, with some gritty,"minty" toothpaste that The Old Lady had picked up at the 99 cent store. The Old Girl then gave us a quick brush/rub down and secured/locked us away in our crates/jails. The sound of the rain against the window pane made me sleepy, but it also made me wish I had peed my last time outside, instead of playing chase with my snooty cousin Sonie. Drat that girl for having kidneys like a spinfex hopping mouse!
I thought about calling out to The Old Lady and request to be "let out" one more time, but I could hear the opening theme song for "Golden Girls" coming from the den (I mean really, how many times can one woman watch a re-run?) and knew her answer to my request would only be to "Stop barking!" So I positioned/balanced myself on my back and was soon in the depths of blissful REM. I was in the middle of my favorite dream, the one where I am chasing "The Ginger Snap Girl" on the beach, when I first noticed the wetness. I sat up with a start, thinking that I had relieved myself, on myself. But the realization of the true situation was far scarier! The rain had increased during my sleep and was now flooding into our room from underneath the door to the backyard patio . Visions of tsunamis and drowning crowded my mind! "Holy Muskatel" I shouted," We're all going to die!"
The big dog Doc was the first one to tell me to "shut up!" He was sleeping on his side facing away from the on coming waters and didn't appear at all concerned. I turned to my Mom Biscuit but she was snoring and had that Mom look on her face of "Hell no, don't wake me up!"I stood up and looked over to my snooty cousin Sonie who was now awake and giving me the stink eye for disturbing her "beauty sleep". I ignored her reproachful look and asked "Do you think we should warn The Old Lady about the possibility of our impending demise?"
"Oh Brent, your so overly dramatic. It's just a little water and no, I don't think you should wake up Susan. Goodness knows she needs her beauty sleep. Now turn over and go back to sleep!" Oh great, now the Queen of canine drama was calling me overly dramatic! But, she did have a point, The Old Lady definitely needs all of the beauty sleep she can get! I turned over in my crate/jail and dozed on and off for the next few hours with one eye opened. It was about 4 o'clock in the morning when I was awakened by the sound of water lapping against the bottom pan of my crate/jail. I sat up and was about to scream out "Every dog for himself," when I noted that the others were all fast asleep and in no apparent distress over our current circumstance.

Fearing further ridicule from my snooty cousin Sonie or worst yet, vexing the big dog Doc. I said nothing and sat in the corner of my crate/jail, contemplating my soon to be exit from this world and trying to embrace the fact that it was to be my destiny to die too young and unpublished. I was well into my grief and pity when I thought about my Mom Biscuit sleeping quietly in her crate/jail unaware of the danger that was rising around us. Looking at the rise and fall of her chest as she softly snored in her blissful sleep, I realized that it was up to me to save her from this pending doom! So I made a decision to ignore my own safety and dive into the murky depths of the flooding waters to rescue the one who is responsible for my very being!
The rain continued to fall as I began to dig at the bottom pan of my crate/jail. I dug with a fury of self realization that I was now a dog on a mission to save his Mom! I must have dug for hours but at last I had successfully pushed the bottom pan of my crate/jail all the way out. Unfortunately it was then that I realized that my crate/jail has a wire bottom under the pan making it impossible to "dig one's way out." Curses, foiled! I also noted that without the pan in place, me and my crate/jail were now paw deep in water and it was cold water at that!
I must be truthful and admit that I began to sniffle a bit at this juncture of my rescue operation. I did not know what to do. My crate/jail blanket which had at one time been warm and fluffy was now a wet soggy pile in the corner of my crate/jail. I looked at the big dog Doc, my Mom Biscuit and my snooty cousin Sonie, all of whom were still sleeping soundly in their warm dry crates and suddenly I felt very sad and very alone. I hung my head in defeat, well aware that I wasn't in any position to rescue anybody. What was a poor canine boy to do? With the rising water I thought, the only thing that would save us now was an Ark. Yes, that's what we needed an Ark! That would solve our dilemma! I quickly decided I could pray for an ark! I knew how to do it as I often hear The Old Lady crying out to the "Big Guy." Like when she found me in her garden with a freshly picked egg plant, dangling from my mouth, and cried out, "Dear God! What are you doing Brent?"
But to whom should I address my request? With a Methodist mother and a Jewish father (yes, I am of mixed breeding and yes dogs do follow the faith of their breeders.....it just makes it easier that way) I wasn't sure which side to call upon . I closed my eyes and cleared my head (which for me is really easy to do!) allowing any presence who wanted to intervene spiritually to do so.....ASAP! After a few minutes of cerebral silence I opened my eyes and calmly asked out loud "Dear God, be you Jewish, Methodist, or Buddhist please help me!" It was at that very moment that I saw a soft glow coming from under the doorway leading into the house. As the door opened the light got much brighter. It was shining directly into my eyes and I was gripped with fear as I called out, "Oh dear God, if you have to take someone......... .. please take my snooty cousin Sonie. Please don't take me or my Mom Biscuit!" Then a voice from within the light said, "Brent, what in the hell have you done?" Well I was rather pleased and instantly perplexed at the same time, for God not only knew me by name but his voice sounded somewhat familiar. Although I must admit I was very surprised that he cursed, and he continued to curse as he entered the room. When he approached my crate/jail I thought I recognized his green terry cloth robe, but it was when he let out a shrill scream as the flood water saturated his house slippers that I realized it wasn't "God" at all, it was just The Old Lady with a flash light in her hand coming to see what my "barking" was about. To be honest, I was never so happy to see The Old Girl as at that moment. Of course she carried on and moaned and groaned as she moved our crates/jails into the living room. It took her most of the day to clean up the water and I must admit I did enjoy watching her through the window as she filled sand bags in the rain and placed them in front of the door to the backyard trying to divert the flooding.

Thinking about it, I don't know how I could have confused The Old Lady with "God". But I do know my prayers were answered. The floods were diverted and me and my Mom did not drown. The next day when the rain stopped and the sun came out, The Old Lady let us out to play in the backyard. It was great to be out and free once again. I met up with Benny the Beagle at the fence and told him of my terrifying experience. Benny said he was very familiar with the story of "Noah and the Ark". Last summer he had been in an re-enactment of the story of the Ark at his humans vacation bible school. Benny said he was quite believable in his portrayal of a yak, but that Louie the German Shepherd, who was suppose to be portraying an elephant, was not so good, as he chewed off his trunk before he even got on stage. Benny also told me about Noah and the rainbow and how I should look for one to see if I had indeed experienced a heavenly intervention. After looking up into the skies for more than an hour all I noted was that, if you stare at the sun too long you will see spots and get a really bad headache! I never saw the red, orange, yellow, green, indigo blue or violet in the sky that make up the optical phenomenon. So I gave up on the idea and decided to play chase with my snooty cousin Sonie.
Later as we were lying around on the grass, I felt an overwhelming feeling of joy at just being alive so I jumped up and did a few laps around the yard (That's what we dogs do when we feel joyful!). As I ran I noted how blue the sky was in contrast to the greenness of the grass and how my Mom Biscuit's coat looked especially shiny and red in the bright yellow sunlight and as I paused to take a sniff and a munch at The Old Lady's lilac bush, I stopped and reflected that in life, with it's ups and downs and occasional very frightful moments, there really are lots of rainbows, sometimes we just need to look for them!
Well girls, I hope it's sunny where you're at today.
Best to you,
Brent the boy Boxer Dog

Need some advice on life? Just Ask Brent!

email all questions to brenttheboyboxerdog@gmail.com